THE nation’s fact checkers are still attempting to verify thousands of claims related to an apparently legendary night out your mate has told you about.
Data analysts have been reduced to exhausted husks slumped over laptops after 72 hours trying to separate fact from fiction as Tom Booker’s torrent of unsourced assertions continued unabated.
Fact checker Norman Steele said: “Even staying on top of Trump’s relentless bullshit was nothing compared to this.
“We have been able to establish that the Market Tavern, while adjacent to Preston’s famous covered market, is not ‘where the models hang out’ or ‘Dua Lipa’s local’. Consequently it seems unlikely she was there, though that’s not proven.
“Nor have Korean scientists created a new form of MDMA crossed with Viagra, and even if they did it would not enable the user to drink 15 pints without consequence, let alone maintain a ‘massive stonk-on’ throughout.
“Even the more trivial claims, like flirting with the barmaid flirting or carrying a six-drink round to the table without spilling a drop, are unverifiable and probably fabrications. And while he is called Tom, evidence suggests he is not actually your mate.
“At no point did he board a superyacht. Nobody is considering as the next James Bond. Rita Ora was not present, nor was ‘that Emily Ratajowlsky’. Our working hypothesis is that he drank four pints alone before going home for a wank.”
Booker said: “Don’t listen to them, it all totally happened. You missed a mad one.”
