subscribe
/ Sign Out

Bastard orders large glass of wine on your round

A PISS-TAKING bastard of a mate will always order a large glass of white wine when it is your turn to get a round in, he has confirmed.

James Bates likes to upset the delicate economic balance of buying a round by waiting until it is your turn to pay to order a 250ml glass of Chardonnay Viognier that costs £9.20.

Bates said: “Rounds are the most straightforward way to purchase drinks for a large group of people, so I don’t really see what the problem is here.

“Yes, when it’s my turn to cough up, I go for half a lager or some tap water. That’s what I feel like drinking at that moment in time.

“It just so happens that when you’re footing the bill I get overcome with a perishing thirst and the desire to try something a bit more upmarket. You can’t seriously be angry with me for that.”

Speaking to the barman, Bates added: “Can I add some food to that order as well? Yeah, three courses, why not, let’s push the boat out. Just make sure they’re all billed to this round, otherwise it gets confusing.”

Ground Force and other 90s shit they'll bring back next

THE return of scrunchies and Changing Rooms apparently means the 1990s are back. What other awful 90s dross will be next?

Ground Force

With the return of Changing Rooms, the stage is set for Titchmarsh, Dimmock and Walsh. Sadly no one can afford a house with a garden anymore. So the new episodes will see their 20-strong team all pile into a 8th floor flat to overhaul a couple of plant pots and a window box. 

Woolworths

The death of the high street means lots of derelict stores could reopen as a ‘Woolies’. For the authentic feel they’ll have to get the carpet just as sticky as it was in 1997. Plus, in the world of Covid-19 there’s never been a better time to open a shop whose best feature is the extremely hygienic pick and mix.

Gladiators

A TV classic they’ll probably bring back to cash in on our public pride after Tokyo 2020. Many elite Olympic athletes have a short shelf life, so they can become our new Gladiators. Goodbye Adam Peaty – hello ‘Neptune’. So long Max Whitlock – you’re now ‘War Horse’. And farewell Tom Daley – here comes ‘The Budgie Smuggler’.

VHS tapes

The natural nerdy successor to vinyl – except with VHS everything looks and sounds much worse. Within the next year expect a bunch of cassette shops and ‘fairs’ popping up. Selling genuine original VHS tapes to middle-age blokes with patchy beards and wonky glasses. Face/Off will cost £70 and it’ll be £200 for a Lion King still in its shrink wrap.

Encarta

The font of all knowledge in the 90s. From US Presidents to volcanos, it had everything. Kind of. Wikipedia has started begging you for money every time you go on it – which makes us all uncomfortable. So surely there’s never been a better time to reboot this CD-ROM classic.

Minesweeper

The game you never quite understood on your PC is surely in line for a big budget Hollywood revamp. Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson will star as a bomb disposal expert racing against time to defuse dozens of mines. If successful, movie moguls will ask Spielberg to adapt Snake from the Nokia 3310 next.

Next story ›