Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)
Still no word from the Dragon’s Den about your asparagus-flavoured baby milk that lets you know when your baby’s pissed its nappy.

Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
Disappointment this week after the 4,000th phone-hacking-subject list is published and despite their increasingly-tangential attitude to news, you weren’t on it. Your local lollipop lady? Yes. You? No.

Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
Ever wanted a razor that not only leaves your face feeling silky smooth, it moisturises while you shave? What are you, some kind of fucking pansy?

Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
This week it’s the kind of weather that attracts flying ants or, given your laissez-faire attitude toward drug consumption, flying mongeese.

Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
This week, you can’t wait to watch the new Harry Potter film and see the bit where Voldemort gets killed by his own curse. What? Oh grow up, for fuck’s sake.

Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
She loves you, yeah yeah yeah. She loves you, yeah yeah yeah. She loves you, yeah yeah yeah yeah. Yes, that was meant to sound sarcastic.

Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
It’s a magical moment when you see the look on their little faces as you tell them they’re going to Disneyland this summer, but it’s nothing compared to the look on her face when you also mention that you’ll be staying at home so you can play PS3 and get shitfaced.

Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
The anticipation is killing you at work as that sheet of paper containing the photo of your genitals must surely be approaching the top of the photocopier’s pile by now.

Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)
You cement your reputation as the most boring person your friends know this week when a waiter asks what you what in your omelette and you reply scrambled egg.

Aries (21 MAR-19 APR)
St Francis Xavier asks ‘give me the boy of seven’ and he’s quoted for the next 500 years. But apparently you’re not allowed to live within 100 yards of a primary school anymore. Where’s the justice?

Taurus (20 APRIL – 20 MAY)
Difficulty at your hypnotherapy session to quit smoking as the instruction to count slowly to ten stumps you at the ‘three’ mark.

Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
For you, ‘the Lynx effect’ is less about its romantic influence on women as much as the fuzzy feeling you get when you’re inhaling it behind the local library. High as a kite and smelling of ‘exhilarating citrus’ – what a Friday night out.