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How to mess up a child by telling them some weird sh*t about where babies come from

A GRAPHIC description of the sex act is wrong, but so is telling them that they were delivered in a blanket by a large bird. Here are some other odd lies parents tell.

You were found in a cabbage patch
Telling your child they only live with you as a result of being abandoned in a muddy garden by a stranger is sickeningly cruel. You may as well tell them you found them in a bin.

Mummy and daddy had a ‘special cuddle’
Both ‘special’ and ‘cuddle’ are words that make any sane human cringe so putting them together and suggesting the resulting event spawned a child will disturb your offspring for life.

From mummy’s belly button
Given that your child will have a belly button that is sealed shut, this invites terrifying speculation that any belly button has the ability to suddenly open and disgorge a baby, like something from a particularly sick horror film.

We bought you at the supermarket
This lie mercifully doesn’t have anything to do with coming out of another person, but it does suggest that your child’s value is around that of a weekly shop.

Some horsesh*t about the birds and the bees
While this saves everyone the embarrassment of talking about bodily functions, it does mean that your kid will learn the mechanics of sex from a porn film on the school bus.

'Popping round' to be made a criminal offence

THE act of ‘popping round’ unannounced to someone’s house is to be reclassified as a crime with the possibility of a custodial sentence.

The government has finally vowed to clamp down on the antisocial practice that has terrorised the British population for generations.

A spokesperson said: “These acts are often dressed up with spurious justifications: dropping something off, collecting a book, or even just wondering if the person fancied a cup of tea.

“However there is no excuse for not messaging first, and certainly not for just showing up if that message is ignored. It’s a clear act of aggression.

“People should call 999 immediately and the police will remove your friend, with force if necessary. Repeat offenders could then face up to 15 years in prison.”

Emma Bradford, 34, was a recent victim of popping round, losing two-and-a-half hours to an old school friend who was “just passing”.  

She said: “I had no option but to let her in, make coffee and hear about her bl**dy kids for hours, when I’d been planning to drink wine on the sofa and watch Friends all afternoon. I felt violated.”

The government has also issued advice on how to prevent popping round, including putting your coat on and pretending you’re going out and hiding behind the furniture.

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