Agony Aunt

Dear Holly, I've come to the decision that the people of Britain have been far too naughty this year, what with all the looting and rioting and striking...

Dear Holly, My wife is having it off with the chap who lives at no 65. I wouldn't mind so much, as it keeps her off my back of an evening...

Dear Holly, My wife has agreed for us to have my mother-in-law round for Christmas again, which means discussions about piles and David Cameron's evil eyes amid the overwhelming smell of Lily of the Valley mixed with human faeces.

Dear Holly, I'm thinking of jacking it all in and investing in a potter's wheel. What do you think? Mervyn King, London

'What the fuck do you think you're doing you smelly little weirdo?'.

Dear Holly, I've been amassing a personal collection of dildos for many happy years. As my 40th birthday is approaching, I thought I might showcase my efforts in a more public arena...

'How, exactly, does this gravity stuff explain how Oliver French threw his bouncy ball up in the playground on Thursday and it never EVER came back down again?'

'He always shows up early to pick me up from the school disco and tries to dance along to Dizzee Rascal in his slippers'.

Dear Holly, Dave from IT has given me Gonorrhoea.  Should I impale both his testicles with a high heel, or just one?

"The other day, my fiancee sent me an email where she confused 'your' and 'you're' and then used an apostrophe for 'its' in the possessive sense. When I confronted her she seemed to think it was no big deal."