Agony Aunt

That sounds like the time Heather Pickles ate too many Sherbet Dib Dabs at playtime and shat in the art cupboard.

"My wife looks after me to a good standard, and always cooks my tea and irons my shirts. But the miserable old bitch won't give me a blow job because she thinks it's dirty."

How can I make the mean people stop and maybe erase a few files too? Jeremy Hunt, Whitehall

"I don't want to be a head teacher any longer. I want to shave symbols on my head, join a street crew and do some fast formation dancing."

"He might not be so cocky when he's trapped between my thighs."

Just be grateful we're not still living in the 1970s when Jesus was alive, because there's no doubt you would have been crucified by a baying mob. 

One of the people who wants to be President of America is a merman.

When I asked my sister why she was letting strangers look at her pants, she explained that she had become a radical feminist, like her idol Rihanna.

My teenage big sister used to love playing dressing up and tea parties with me, but now she prefers to hang about park benches with big boys on bikes and tell my parents 'to go fuck themselves'.

Dear Holly, My boss is starting to realise that I am lazy and shit at my job.