Agony Aunt

My wish came partly true, except K-Stew hasn't been mauled by a rabid dog yet.

Winning doesn't feel good when you're dealing with friction burns and a brutal sugar come-down.

Matthew's injury meant his mum withdrew her sponsorship offer of a Chupa Chup.

Toss his lunchbox to the ground so his Um-Bongo bursts and Wotsits go scudding across the concrete.

Back in the eighties Mimi Rogers was visited by an angel who told her that she would marry the messiah and also go on to win an Oscar for her role in Full Body Massage.

It's not much consolation when you're scrubbing excrement from the inside of a ripped potato sack.

Wayne Rooney was banned for two matches is because he was caught illegally harvesting the hair of corpses.

I did pick up some excellent vocabulary including 'play him wide, you Scouse bastard'.

Do you think it would be fair for me to return the surprise by shouting that I despise every last one of them?

Mrs Dodkins wasn't delighted when someone wrote 'Shirley Dodkins is a boss-eyed spunk badger' on the whiteboard in huge red letters.