BUILDERS working on England's World Cup base in South Africa have admitted the underground depravity cave may not be completed on schedule.
Managers at the Rustenberg complex say the four-berth leather sex swings have yet to be installed while the beams must be repositioned to accommodate the 100-inch plasma screen where the players will watch videos of themselves having sex with women who have received money from John Terry.
Architect Charles Reeves said: "This structure has to be capable of fulfilling the sordid urges of 22 sexually-voracious men at the peak of physical fitness, and Emile Heskey.
"The 300-gallon lube tank has arrived but it will take another month to plumb it in to the bedrooms. And if you know of a place on the African continent where I can buy a 35-foot hot tub with underwater cameras then please do let me know."
England coach Fabio Capello visited Rustenberg this week and said he was pleased with the mound of rubble where his team is meant to be staying.
He said: "It's a great improvement on the last time I was here, when it was 30 acres of goatherding pasture and a single water pump. And there are certainly a lot more men leaning on shovels."
Capello also insisted his squad will remain focussed on football and the worst the England fans could expect is a 48-hour scandal involving 25 strippers and an industrial belt-sander.
He added: "The Rustenberg centre has been specially designed so they can indulge themselves in a quick reverse Dutch steamboat or a relaxing bout of Frenchman's Damnation, all within easy reach of an ultra sound massage device."
