Dave Whelan invites Jewish friends over for sweet and sour pork

WIGAN Athletic owner Dave Whelan is to reach out to his many Jewish friends with a lavish pork banquet.

Responding to claims of anti-semitism and racism, Whelan has spent thousands on a vast array of dishes, which he revealed were all prepared by a ‘real, live Chinese person’.

He said: “We’ve got sweet and sour pork, crispy pork, spare ribs and pork wontons. Just like you would get from your local Chinese restaurant. No doubt run by a lovely Chinese family.”

He added: “I know my Jewish friends love Chinese food. Almost as much as they love a wide variety of other things.

“I’m going to invite them all over tonight, as soon as they get back from church.”

Loch Ness Monster sighting was just branch wearing Tam o’ Shanter

EXPERTS have dismissed recent sightings of the Loch Ness Monster as nothing more than floating wood wearing a tartan bonnet.

The legend of the monster draws hundreds of thousands of tourists every year hoping that an angry dinosaur will emerge from the loch and go on a bloody rampage.

But Henry Brubaker, of the Institute for Studies, said: “Branches are washed down the river from a wood near the loch, and that same river happens to go past a tam o’ shanter warehouse which uses it to get rid of industrial waste.

“Once tangled together in the loch, the branch and hat must have snagged on a discarded set of bagpipes which, when the wind blew through them, made a sound not unlike Flower of Scotland and a Glaswegian voice hurling abuse.

“As always, there’s a perfectly rational explanation.”