AN eight-year-old has woken up excited only to be informed that football will not be coming home because it is dead. 

Tom Booker of Warrington was eager to hear what thrilling adventures football had been on the night before, only for father Tony to inform him it was all over for football and not to talk about it again.

He said: “I don’t understand. Daddy was so looking forward to football coming home. He kept singing a little song about it.

“But instead of rushing downstairs to find football and Daddy dancing around in the kitchen like Taylor Swift sings about, Daddy sat me down with my Frosties and told me football passed on at 9.45pm last night.

“He said though football had put up a fight it was dead, dead, dead, and had been buried like my budgie Jonah is in the back yard, and we should not think about football ever again as it would only make us sad.

“Daddy’s eyes were wet. I pretended mine were but they weren’t because I don’t really like football, it’s boring.”

Father Tony Booker said: “Father Christmas is a f**king twat as well.”