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England have mountain to climb in poor piece of scheduling

THE England team are to spend tomorrow completing an ascent up Germany’s tallest mountain in an ill-timed motivational exercise. 

The treacherous climb up the 2,962m Zugspitze via the Höllental gorge takes place tomorrow, leaving players very little time to rest before Sunday’s final against a team who have not climbed a mountain the day before.

Gareth Southgate said: “I didn’t know we’d be in the final. I thought it would make a useful metaphor.

“I agree the timing isn’t ideal, but the lads fancied it so I made the booking. If I cancel now we’ll lose our deposit for the guides, jeeps and a meal of wiener schnitzel with a single stein of low-alcohol lager up at the summit.

“As a team-building exercise it really reinforces that we all depend on each other to succeed, but there is a non-zero chance we may lose Kobbie Mainoo down a crevasse and that could hurt us on the pitch.”

He added: “Don’t worry, we’ll be alright getting down. We’re all having our first-ever go of wingsuits.”

Couple's date night is staying in, getting pissed and shagging

A COUPLE have created their own version of date night where they do not go out in favour of drinking alcohol then having sex.

Lucy Parry and Jack Browne had previously spent date nights trailing to restaurants or theatres before they decided to trim the fat, cut the formalities and skip straight to the good bit where they f**k.

Parry said: “Everyone knows what date night’s about, yeah? Underneath all the bullshit?

“One night we had tickets for Pretty Woman: The Musical which got cancelled but we were already dressed up, so we drank two bottles of champagne by candlelight then spent the rest of the evening rutting like beasts up against the furniture.

“It was one of the best nights of our relationship, and not just because we didn’t have to watch Pretty Woman: The Musical. So next date night we did it again.”

Browne said: “By allowing the most important elements of the evening – intoxication, fornication, and the combination thereof – room to breathe you’re saving money, time and the wearying pretence this is about anything other than banging away until mutual orgasm.

“Why would we want to go out and do paid-for activities together? We’ve got mates for that.”

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