THE prime minister has promised to celebrate England reaching the Euros final by putting a lit flare in his anus.
Sir Keir Starmer feels the strongly-not-recommended act is the best way to express his love for his country, the England team, and looking like a normal, football-loving bloke you would definitely vote for again.
He said: “There is no nobler sacrifice for your country than suffering third-degree burns to your bumhole from a flare clearly labelled ‘For maritime use only’.
“I will wedge it in firmly, leaving me bent over uncomfortably but proudly. Then my pasty arse will serve as a literal beacon leading England to ever-greater footballing achievements, like not leaving every match to a random penalty shoot-out.
“I’ll be sure to leave a good clearance between my buttocks and the burning bit. It’s important to insert tubes of white-hot magnesium into your rectum responsibly.”
England manager Gareth Southgate said: “It’s well-known in the game that fans putting a flare up their arse has a tangible, measurable effect on performance. Every damaged sphincter adds 12 millimetres to how high Jude Bellingham can jump for a header.
“I appreciate Starmer’s support, but I’ve already got a winning strategy based on waiting to be awarded utterly baffling penalties out of absolutely f**king nowhere.”
