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If you ever see a little black bag hanging from a tree do not pick it. That fruit is not of the fruitbowl, my friend.

WAKING at four in the morning in a puddle of my own vomit following a late and convivial evening with theologian friends, I pick up my battered mitre.

‘Angela Rayner?’ he said. ‘Definitely. Red hair, red politics, all the other red flags? I wouldn’t turn that down. Incendiary in bed. Christ.’

DEAR Elon Musk. You are a billionaire. I am but a humble bankrupt patriot. But you can save me, Britain and Western civilisation by letting me back on Twitter.

Queen Victoria described it as a ‘large and dirty town’, a description Wulfrunians wear with pride. While calling themselves Wulfrunians which is clearly unacceptable, as is the accent.

IN 2016, Piers Morgan met Meghan Markle in the Scarsdale Tavern and they became friends. Then she changed. Can he rewrite history to make a better world?

A pet shop might sound like a good idea but shops live for a really long time.

Make an enemy of the C of E and we will come after you, take off your gonads with a clawhammer and make you watch as we crush them with a steamroller!

‘And what can they do?’ ‘Ask me questions,’ he said, biting both bars of a Kinder Bueno at once. ‘Ask for evidence, all the usual shit. If they conclude I’ve misled Parliament I’m meant to resign.’

Of course Boris – the political colossus who steered us through Brexit and a pandemic – must stay. Of course he’s done nothing wrong. Of course this is all a Remainer coup.