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When will cowardly Starmer follow Trump's example and pardon our selfless drug dealers?

By Abigail Pennson, our reasonable, plain-speaking middle-class columnist who loves Britain so much she wishes it was America

THEY work all hours. They’re entrepreneurs. And nothing matters more to them than putting a smile on their customers’ faces. So why are they locked up? 

If President Trump can recognise the terrible injustice of imprisoning Ross Ulbricht, the darknet pioneer who did so much to bring affordable, untraceable narcotics to a public crying out for them, why does Starmer refuse to do the same?

Let’s face it, every single Briton has one or more drug dealer’s numbers in their phone. Anyone who says they haven’t is a puritan or a liar.

We all appreciate their sacrifice. Whether they’re coming out to us at 4am with coke, creating marvellous urban cannabis farms in otherwise disused buildings, or boosting our creative industry with ketamine, they never let us down.

And how do we repay them? By jailing them. By confiscating product they’ve literally crossed oceans to bring us. By taking them away from their families because they dared to distribute joy.

Only the small fry, of course. The big drug dealers, thanks to their generous payments to police and customs, are never even arrested. If we’ve ever caught a British Ross Ulbricht he walked away without even being charged, and good on him.

But Two-Tier Starmer – once a miserable prosecutor – still locks away thousands of men and women in our overcrowded prisons for a crime which should no longer even be on the statute books.

As ever, Trump has led the way. So let’s abandon this authoritarian abuse of power and do the true conservative thing by letting our drug dealers free. And an official thanks from the King would not go amiss.

Deluded man swears you used to be able to buy things with a fiver

A MAN who has lost his grip on reality is convinced that goods or services could once be bought with nothing more than a five pound note. 

Having just returned from the shops where he bought no more than a couple of items for the usual tenner-plus, 36-year-old Martin Bishop is baselessly claiming that a fiver used to be enough to cover a small purchase and receive change.

He said: “Am I going mad? Or is this the Mandela Effect? No way should a pint of milk, a loaf and a small tin of beans cost upwards of four quid.

“It sounds like bullshit but I can vividly recall being able to buy a pint with a fiver, even in London. Olive oil used to be so cheap you wouldn’t even check the price and takeaway coffees were paid for with nothing but coins, I swear to God.

“Why would the Mint even produce five pound notes when they’re essentially worthless? Because they didn’t used to be. Because once, not long ago, they were a viable unit of currency. Don’t look at me like I’m a tinfoil hat-wearing lunatic. This is real.”

Friend Nikki Hollis said: “This happened to my dad. He said you could once get a fiver out of a cashpoint and buy 20 fags with it. We’ve sent him to a home.

“Though, now Martin says it, I do have a dim memory of receiving a birthday card when I was a child with a five pound note inside it. Was Auntie Joan taking the f**king piss?”

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