BRITAIN is to become the world’s first entirely cashless economy, Rachel Reeves has announced.
The visionary chancellor is to phase out cash by making its possession by private citizens illegal, and has set a deadline of noon next Friday for all notes and coins to be handed in.
She said: “It’s time this country was dragged into a bold socialist future without outdated paper or metal currency, so give it here. We’ll look after it for you.
“You’ll still be able to pay by card, but we’re trying to discourage pricing because it makes inflation a little too apparent for my liking. Instead your contactless will give you a simple thumbs up or thumbs down, which is far simpler.
“After Friday possession of cash will be punishable by up to 20 years imprisonment – like with drugs, It’s important to send a message – so scour your homes. Even 20p down a sofa could see you banged up with the nonces.
“The influx of cash will be used for your benefit and spent on things you want, like prisons, roads, and massive legal bills for daring to build prisons and roads. So cough up.”
Donna Sheridan of Rotherham said: “Should be fine. They know me in my local Tesco Metro anyway, because I’m in there every night shoplifting my tea.”
