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Seven things Trump claims he will do as president and what he will actually do

DONALD Trump has promised his supporters a raft of new policies when taking office. Here’s what he’ll do instead:

Promise: Deport 22 million undocumented migrants
Reality: Deport some. Not that many. Basically the same as usual. Actually organising the biggest deportation programme in history would be expensive, difficult, and require a massive government workforce that Elon Musk is busy firing.

Promise: Impose tariffs on all foreign goods
Reality: Nothing. It’s a completely unworkable idea that would raise prices, boost inflation and hurt the interests of the billionaires Trump talks to every night on the phone. So he will simply not do it, never mention it again and his voters will not care.

Promise: Ignore all net zero targets
Reality: They will be ignored, much as they already are, but solar power and electric cars will continue to grow because the technology exists and is getting cheaper. After doing nothing but impeding this, Trump will then claim full credit for their success.

Promise: End Ukraine war
Reality: Nobody has any idea how this one will go, Trump included. On the one hand he’s against financing foreign wars for leaders who wouldn’t even give him usable dirt on Hunter Biden. On the other, his hackles may rise if Putin gets presumptuous. It’s fine, it’s only countless lives and Europe’s future resting on one man’s fragile ego.

Promise: No abortion ban
Reality: Doesn’t like to think about it so won’t.

Promise: Pardon January 6th rioters
Reality: Definitely will, when issuing blanket pardons that include himself, himself again, anyone who’s ever been nice about him and P. Diddy. Because, in his heart, Trump likes crime.

Promise: Make American great again
Reality: Believes that, now he’s president, it already is. No further action need be taken. The maintenance of its greatness with regular cheering rallies is more for him than the country.

'Feisty', and other ways to describe someone when you really want to say 'f**king annoying'

WANT to call someone an irritating bellend but can’t get away with it in present company? Try using these phrases instead:

Feisty

Got a neighbour who plays dubstep until 2am on a Wednesday night and threatens to punch your f**king lights out when you knock on the door and ask her to stop? Describe her as ‘feisty’ to the people you’re now trying to sell your house to, so she sounds like a camp Eastenders matriarch rather than an infuriating nightmare.

Sassy

Work with someone, male or female, who’s a total bitch? The type of person who swishes around the office making snippy comments, slagging people off and generally acting like they’re a supporting character in The Devil Wears Prada, rather than an admin assistant in an accountancy firm in Yate? You want to call them a judgemental twat to colleagues, but instead settle for ‘sassy’.

Cocksure

Your brother-in-law is an arrogant prick who loves the sound of his own voice and ruins every family get together by insisting that 15-minute cities are an authoritarian clampdown by the WEF and Beyoncé is in the Illuminati. Instead of causing a rift by saying he’s stupid bellend who never shuts his massive gob, go for ‘cocksure’ and then add under your breath ‘or just cock’.

Highly strung

Got a pal who’s on a hair-trigger on a night out, desperate to have a row with a stranger and then disappear to the loo and cry for an hour while you try and coax them out? When explaining to the annoyed bar staff why your friend is monopolising the single toilet cubicle and pissing off the other customers, you say they are ‘highly strung’ instead of being honest and saying ‘I can’t stand them but as you can see they’re so fragile that I can never be free of them’.

Got a lot of energy

This one is usually reserved for children and mostly used by other people talking about your offspring. You’d be offended but after your kids have ruined a holiday with your childless friends by continually doing shriekingly loud impressions of Bing and throwing tantrums every six minutes, you appreciate that they are being kind and this description is an enormous understatement.

A character

Bringing a friend you’ve known since school who has some questionable opinions to meet some new friends who will definitely be appalled by them? Try and pre-emptively smooth things over by describing them as ‘a character’. This shows you know they’re a boorish dickhead without overtly describing them as that. However, it doesn’t explain why you brought them to the bar and they’re now calling Tommy Robinson ‘an alright bloke’. Your new friends probably won’t be your new friends for long.

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