THERE are fewer than 122 of them left in the Houses of Parliament. Their pet newspapers go unread. Nobody even notices their sex scandals. 

Conservatives who once roamed wild and free across the streets and fields of Britain are now an endangered species. All they wanted was a landslide victory and a mandate from the public, but instead MPs are abandoned, forgotten and unloved. But you can help.

Please rescue them from a life of appearing on GB News by donating just £3 a month. Your direct debit will give them sustenance and pride. In return you will receive a certificate and photo of your Tory.

Lucy Parry of Soho said: “When I started sponsoring Tom Tugendhat he was living under a bridge and sustaining himself on a diet of discarded kebabs. His hair was matted and his suit filthy.

“But it’s been heartwarming to see his progress. For the price of a coffee he’s been shaved, disinfected, and given space to gallop freely with other members. Next month he might even come in third in a leadership race.”

Fellow sponsor Donna Sherridan said: “I’m at the Conservative Party Conference to visit my Tory in its natural habitat. I can’t wait to finally see it in person and run my hands along its hairy flanks.

“I just hope it hasn’t picked up any infections, like claiming Trump is a credible politician or Putin is ready to compromise. It would be terrible to have to take it out the back of Birmingham and put it down.”

Sponsor a Tory today by visiting taxloopholes.conservatives.com.