ENJOYING a bountiful and fulfilling sex life? The clock’s ticking. Soon it will be no more than a memory. Find out how long you’ve got:
Are you male or female?
A) Female, in my late 20s, attractive and enjoying an active love life.
B) Male, heading for 50, and lucky if I get on the nest once a month.
What is your current relationship status?
A) Young, free and single! Why tie yourself down? It’s not like my mum’s day, you don’t have to marry and have kids as soon as you hit 30. For the foreseeable future the only way you’re fastening your lips around my nips is if you look like Jason Momoa.
B) Married for 12 years, mortgage for 15, two kids. The thought of splitting up brings us both out in a cold sweat. We’re not ready for what’s out there.
How often do you have sex now?
A) Okay, does four times a week sound bad? I’m non-exclusive with two guys, I’ve got a couple of friends with benefits for school nights, and at the weekends I let the party go where it takes me.
B) Almost exactly every four weeks. Plus birthdays. I would in theory like it more often but I’m knackered, she’s knackered, and at the weekends I’m too dedicated to getting pissed.
Do you prefer your partner younger or older?
A) I’m open to new experiences. You’ve got to dodge the fat, middle-aged chancers with a tan line where their wedding ring isn’t, or the f**kbois looking for an experienced woman they can prematurely ejaculate in front of, but it all makes for a good story.
B) My wife is three months younger. So younger.
Do you consider yourself sexually adventurous?
A) Yes. I’m a digital native who grew up with internet porn and I’m regularly putting theory into practice. Still haven’t found a guy who’s into getting choked though.
B) Maybe. I mean last time, when we were both struggling to get there, rather than call it off completely we did it doggystyle. Does that count?
ANSWERS:
Mostly As: You are a proud, sexually confident independent woman with an enviable love life that will continue until you suddenly lose all interest in it and retreat under a blanket for the rest of your life.
Mostly Bs: Blessedly, your erotic career is in its death throes. A few more years and you’ll both feel the relief of not feeling obliged to rut like beasts because you’re both permanently knackered and it sets off your sciatica.
