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Gardeners growing giant vegetables are overcompensating for something

MEN on allotments obsessed with growing massive marrows are trying to compensate for deep feelings of inadequacy in other areas, it has emerged. 

Gardeners trying desperately to outdo green-fingered rivals with oversized veg at county shows are engaging in the same behaviour as men with sports cars, but in a more rustic arena.

Martin Bishop, well-known around the Stourbridge area for his five foot-long girthy aubergines, said: “I only got a vegetable patch as a hobby. But once I found out I could make my produce absolutely f**king enormous it became a full-time job.

“It is crucial to me, psychologically, to grow the biggest aubergine of anyone in the metropolitan borough of Dudley. And that everyone admires my colossal gourd.

“If I don’t beat my nemesis in the county show this year – if my vegetable isn’t larger, plumper, with glistening, shiny purple skin – I’ll be a broken man for the next 12 months.”

Martin’s wife Carolyn said: “It’s wonderful for Martin that he can, through diligent effort, loving care and many solitary hours, finally be surprised and delighted by the size of something he’d grown.

“I hope he gets the blue ribbon and it makes up for his inability to maintain an erection. Which he shares with all the other blokes on the allotment. Don’t ask how I know.”

Paint over the smoke alarms: the landlord's guide to interior design

TENANTS are ungrateful bastards. Always complaining about broken sinks and holes in roofs but no appreciation for the finer points of interior design. Detail is everything: 

Holistic decor

Considering the whole room, the entire look in harmony, without minor fixtures like light switches or even worse, smoke alarms standing out. Left exposed they’re eyesores, so paint over that ugly casing and smoke sensor in a good thick gloss. They’ve not had any new batteries since 2002 anyway.

Uniform application

While you’re at it, weatherproof interiors by painting over window locks, plug sockets and dead moths. It gives the room cohesion. Drips everywhere? Like that Pollock bloke innit.

Add vintage touches

Meaning your old shit. All the wonderful built-in storage space you extolled, and have painted shut, is perfect for containing anything you’re reluctant to throw away. A clawfoot bath, a car steering wheel lock, a crate of expired protein milkshakes. And the locked wardrobe, with three padlocks, tenants are expressly forbidden to even look at.

Humanise the space

By doing all the work yourself. We’re talking exposed bathroom wiring, office cupboards in the bedroom and a thrilling melange of different kitchen tiles you got cheap. Walk the line between quirky, inconvenient and illegal under local planning laws and you’ll be as right as the rain pooling in the kitchen.

Mystery and history

A property is a living thing. There’s no shame in exhibiting its rich history of stains and odours. Whether wine, mould or scorch marks, they tell a story of years of habitation, some of which presumably must have been happy. It gives a unique atmosphere as does the chronic damp.

Embrace minimalism

No putting pictures up, as in. The plaster won’t take it and this delightful muddy green wall, reminiscent of an abandoned mental hospital, doesn’t need any more holes. Don’t worry, this won’t affect my keeping your security deposit.

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