subscribe
/ Sign Out

Independent Scotland could have been exactly the same, say experts

IF Scotland had won independence ten years ago it could have been exactly the same in every way, according to experts. 

A decade on from the historic independence referendum, Scots have looked back and reflected that separation from the UK would have changed very little, if anything.

Political scientists Julian Cook said: “Scotland would have stayed damp, windy and miles from anywhere. That’s a given.

“The Scottish people would have continued to shop, drink, complain, work for the council, eat beige food and hate each other because of football, religion or some bastard hybrid of the two.

“They would watch the same television, drink just as heavily and retain their baffling sense of entitlement. The government would still interfere in their lives constantly, but post-independence there would only be one set of f**knuts to blame.”

“Meanwhile the rest of the UK would also remain eerily unchanged. You know how it Brexited and it made no real difference to anything? Like that.”

The Scottish National Party has condemned the research as racist stereotyping while welcoming it for proving independence would be completely risk-free.

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday
privacy

What if being present in the office is all you have to offer? A shite employee asks

EXPERTS are disparaging the need to be physically in the office you work in as mere ‘presenteeism’. But what if that’s the only bit you’re good at? 

I, Nathan Muir, have been a marketing manager since 2017. I will remain so indefinitely because I’m neither good enough to promote nor bad enough to demote. And I attribute that entirely to being in the office.

Have no illusions: that’s what I have to offer. I’m here. You can see me. Therefore I must be doing work because you’d notice if I was watching Netflix. And because of this, I earn in the mid-five figures.

By being present, I make the office bustle. I justify the money spent on the building, on chairs, on printers. I walk around purposefully while nodding at others. I do all the good shit.

How can a divisional head feel they matter if they can’t look out on people tapping diligently away? When they cannot stop a conversation by walking past? When nobody sees them leave early in their Audi Q7, are they really superior?

That’s the service I provide. Not just ‘work’, as those who prefer their home comforts put it. Not just answering emails and analysing data and proof-checking creative from the sofa. I do a little of that but not much, because what I do is turn up.

I don’t take sick days. I hated lockdown. Any absence, however brief, risks exposing how smoothly the place runs without me. I need to be there, standing around, holding papers and nodding sagely.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I must attend a meeting I’ve scheduled for the purpose of holding a meeting. You’re only calling in? Shameful.

Next story ›