By Sir Keir Starmer, Labour leader and prime minister of the United Kingdom
I REALLY need a winter coat, so if you’d like to buy me one – a £950 Canada Goose would allow me to do my job effectively – then pick the law you don’t like.
Or choose the policy you’d like to change. This isn’t corruption because it’s simply identifying problems that hadn’t occurred to me until you pointed them out. It’s a consultation exercise.
So there’s the jacket. And a few other necessities, like designer frames, a PlayStation 5 for the kids and Victoria’s circled a number of items from the Stella McCartney autumn collection. That’s very much for the British nation because we’d all prefer she looks nice.
Why can’t I buy my own jacket, given a salary of £167,000 and millions in assets? Because it all adds up. Taylor Swift tickets here, a personal shopper there and suddenly you’re down 50 grand.
And I regret I can’t change literally any government policy you want. Impoverished pensioners can’t club together and get a U-turn on winter fuel by buying me a Harrods hamper.
That would look weak, and that’s the last thing you want when you’re dealing with the poorest and most vulnerable in society. The rich and well-protected, by contrast, I’m happy to cater to the whims of.
If you suddenly find yourself in the newspapers, don’t be concerned. It’s not bribery because bribes are cash, like paying a builder. This is more of a spontaneous gift showing your support for Labour’s traditional working-class values.
And if your values are privatising healthcare, attracting foreign capital or seeing Taylor Swift twice, they might coincidentally turn out to be Labour’s values too. I would like a holiday.
