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Television unveils new method of mingling sub-standard genetic material

A NEW reality TV show on a digital channel has come up with yet another way of encouraging the unintelligent to meet and breed. 

Marry Me Blind Naked Beach Roulette, on E4, brings the young, fertile and spectacularly thick together under the risible pretext that they will become famous while using it as an excuse to match morons.

Producer Denys Finch Hatton said: “The stupid have been given too many distractions. They aren’t breeding.

“With their phones, their social media, their gyms and their eyebrow threading salons, they’re as overstimulated as chimps in an amusement arcade. The future, however, still needs manual workers.

“So we’ve tricked them into entering this near-beach compound where they will have nothing to do but sprout erections and rut while grunting. Once an exchange of inferior juices has taken place, low-IQ babies will result.

“We will broadcast the show, because cretins will watch anything, but be assured its real purpose is the perpetuation of our traditional underclass, ready to serve in 14 to 18 years. Rule Britannia.”

Contestant Jack Browne said: “The tattoo on my neck is meaningful to me. It is of a symbol.”

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Answer to 'Do you think anyone's shagged in here?' always 'Yes'

THE perpetual question of whether any random space has hosted some level of sexual activity can always, without fail, be answered in the positive, it has emerged. 

A top-level conference of sociologists, psychologists, psychiatrists and police confirmed every room, open space and layby on an A-road has been used to f**k in at least once, and often on a regular and frequent basis.

Researcher Dr Helen Archer said: “Yes, every room in your house. Yes, multiple couples over dozens of years. Yes, that bit where you lie while on your phone. Exactly where your head is.

“The harsh reality is that the nasty has been done in your office kitchen, bones have been jumped in your gym’s changing room, and even your shed once rocked to copulation. It’s been done everywhere.

“I’ve been asked about rubbish tips, ASDA toilets, psychiatrist offices, the Nantwich branch of Fat Face, your parents’ living room, industrial museum cafes, late medieval ruins, pedigree dog kennels, STI clinics, storage units for both rich and poor people, pedalos.

“The answers are yes, yes, of course, yes, constantly, yes, on special occasions, yes, yes, I have personally and yes. Not in that order.

“I still get bloody amateurs asking me if I think people have done it in their AirBnB. I tell them what I tell everyone: go get a UV torch, have a look, then recoil in horror. There’s spunk up the very walls.”

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