TEENAGERS from comfortable homes are ready to regale their peers with their complex traumas for an unforgettable first night at university.
Across Britain, 18-year-olds carefully and expensively raised by both parents have prepared stories of anguish which they are confident will hold their peers’ rapt attention.
Grace Wood-Morris, studying law, said: “I’ve pictured it so many times: the first night away from home, all gathered in our shared kitchen, excited. Then I say I have complex PTSD.
“Immediately everyone, because we’re a caring generation that understands mental health, will abandon their nights out to hear my story. I’ll explain, through tears, the time I was abandoned in the Kids’ Club for a whole day and how I still can’t get over it.”
James Bates, studying psychology, said: “We’ll rush through that so I can talk about the traumas of being sent to school in uniform on non-uniform day. The peals of laughter still echo through my mind. It’s why you can’t make jokes about me.”
Housemate Ellie Shaw, studying geography, said: “Yeah? Wait until you hear about when I got lost at Thorpe Park and you’ll understand why I can’t trust or maintain friendships. This one’s a banger.”
But Josh Hudson, studying criminology, said: “All this trauma dumping is triggering for me. I’m not here to perform your emotional labour. I’m going to my room to watch Netflix,” after which his housemates concluded his trauma must be rubbish.
