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'He lied, lied about lying, lied about lying about lying, and is generally a twat'

THE privileges committee has published its report into Boris Johnson lying to the House, and believes it can see a pattern.

After meticulously dissecting the former prime minister’s lies to the House, lies about lies to the House, lies about lies about lies in evidence to the committee, and now lies about the committee, the committee has concluded he may have issues with the truth.

The report said: “A lie is followed by a lie, the explanation for which is a lie and the follow-up to which is also a lie. We have entered an infinity of mendacity.

“Our conclusion therefore is not just that Boris Johnson lied and an application should be made for a restraining order stopping him coming within 500ft of parliamentary democracies.

“It is that every statement he has ever made, whether in his personal or political life, should be assumed to be a lie and his entire career voided on the grounds he is not only a liar but a twat.

“This incudes Brexit, the 2019 election, the London mayoralty between 2008 and 2016, all columns for the Telegraph and GQ, and three marriages. Thank you.”

Nathan Muir of Reading said: “Boris? Lied? No, I can’t see that.”

Woman likes everything about doggy-style except the name

A WOMAN feels the main drawback to the ‘doggy-style’ sexual position is how massively degrading its name is.

Lauren Hewitt says having sex from behind is most likely to give her pleasure from her partner’s inept humping, but is less keen on the horrifying images conjured by the name.

Hewitt said: “It’s one of the few positions Steve can manage that I actually enjoy, and I can’t deny that not seeing his idiotic face when he comes is a plus.

“But call me old-fashioned, I just don’t enjoy being compared to a humping Alsatian when I’m having sex. Have you ever smelled a dog’s breath? It’s not good. I also don’t have a freakishly large number of tits, roll in fox shit or think the height of cuisine is a stinking can of condemned meat. 

“Nor do I have any of the other repulsive habits of dogs. I’m fully house-trained, for example. Is that the message I’m sending out whenever I do it doggy-style with a guy – ‘I’m a woman who shits in the garden’?

“Also, dogs are notoriously stupid. I’ve got a 2:1 in Modern History from Durham, so I find that particularly insulting.”

Hewitt’s partner Steve said: “I don’t see what Lauren’s problem is. She’s not actually a dog. We occasionally do reverse cowgirl, but that doesn’t mean that she’s ever herded cattle on a ranch.

“Although it is my favourite sexual position. I’ve always had a thing about Lady and the Tramp.”

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