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Are you choosing yet another vicious, deranged freak as party leader or suffering deja vu? A guide for Tories

ARE you a Tory who feels like you’ve done nothing over the past five years apart from choosing awful nutcases to lead your party? Here’s how to cope.

Reassure yourself that you have not gone mental

The Mad Hatter’s tea party vibe of choosing between an evil weirdo and a nasty oddball may make you feel you’re suffering from some sort of derangement, but you’re not. Unfortunately, the state of the Conservative Party is now irretrievably bad. However, you have not lost your mind, even if that might be preferable.

You aren’t living in a Groundhog Day scenario

Does this feel eerily like the time the choice was between Sunak and Truss, then somehow you had to put up with both of them anyway? No, you haven’t ended up in a tortuous time loop where you have to suffer until you’ve learned a valuable life lesson. You wish you had, because then this nightmare would be fictional, and Bill Murray’s egomaniac weatherman is still infinitely pleasanter than either of them.

Tell yourself it could be worse

It may not feel like it, but things could be worse. For example, Liz Truss might somehow have inveigled herself onto the ballot, despite not being an MP anymore. She’s definitely mad enough to try. In addition the spectre of Boris Johnson still hangs over the Tories like a nasty stink, so maybe things could go further downhill in the not-so-distant future.

Consider leaving

Look, it’s hard being a member of a party that was once respected but is now reduced to being a Reform UK tribute act, but try not to let it get you down too much. As with any failing relationship, you can always leave. Maybe you could bring yourself to love Keir Starmer in time. He’s making as much of a hash of being prime minister as any of your lot did. It’ll be familiar and comforting.

Choose your least bad option

If you’re determined to vote for one of them, carefully weigh up what they can offer. For example, Badenoch thinks giving women maternity pay is a waste of money, whereas Jenrick ordered that cheerful murals on the walls of an asylum centre were painted over in case they were too welcoming for children. Who do you want to inflict on the country for the next five years? Think carefully.

Opt for the worst one

F**k it, why not? Despite his atrocious start, Starmer will probably get in again, so you might as well go for broke and really run the Tories into the ground. After that you can either join Reform or the Lib Dems, depending on where you fall on the spectrum from ‘vaguely right-wing’ to ‘insane racist’ and never have to partake in this madness again.

How Britain would be woefully ill-prepared to deal with a hurricane

HURRICANE Milton has made landfall in America, leaving a trail of destruction in its wake. Here’s why Britain would be totally ruined by similar weather.

It can’t handle snow

A light dusting of snow sees Britain grind to a terrified halt, so a category five hurricane would be armageddon. Garden sheds would be smashed to splinters, our poorly-maintained schools would crumble like sandcastles and Greggs would run out of cheap sausagemeat. Even pillars of our civilisation we’d once considered indestructible like WHSmith would be reduced to pitiful piles of rubble and reduced D-list celebrity biographies.

There would be nowhere to evacuate to

Florida isn’t much smaller than Britain, yet the whole state is shitting itself about Hurricane Milton. If a similar storm swept over these sceptered isles then everyone would have to scuttle off to mainland Europe for safety. This would be okay if you’ve got a second home in Provence, but most people would have to crash where the Calais Jungle was and be oblivious to the irony.

The government would move too slowly

If the pandemic taught the people of Britain anything, it’s that the government isn’t great with crises. Starmer would drone on about ‘fully costed’ measures while the hurricane was literally wiping out Kent, before telling everyone to hide in their wardrobes. If the Tories were in charge they’d be giving billions to bra manufacturers to build cardboard storm bunkers. Key workers would of course be expected to walk through 160mph winds to their jobs as normal though.

Contrarian grifters would trick people

A hurricane would inevitably become a political football, with the likes of GB News and Laurence Fox swooping in to sow division. Within days idiots and newspapers would be saying that staying inside to remain safe was woke cowardice, while true patriots would form a protective human shield around the Churchill statue and the Cenotaph before mysteriously disappearing. Twitter would claim rescue dinghies were full of immigrants, which no one would verify before puncturing them.

Stray trampolines would injure thousands

Even when there’s a comparatively mild storm, trampoline owners and people with garden furniture cannot be bothered to tie them down or bring them inside. In the event of a hurricane Britain would become a death vortex of swirling outdoor equipment as trampolines bounced from one hapless victim to the next. Will people learn come the next storm? Will they f**k.

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