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Anyone elected between 2016-2019 guilty as f**k

ALL leaders elected in Britain, Scotland and the US between 2016-2019 are in deep legal shit, it has transpired. 

Rule-breaking vandals Boris Johnson, Donald Trump and Nicola Sturgeon are all facing retribution for their hideous crimes, leading voters to wonder what the f**k they were thinking during that specific period.

Political scientist Nathan Muir said: “2016 was a rough year, granted. Perhaps we were electorally deranged from losing so many beloved celebrities.

“But first there was Brexit, then known career criminal Trump became the world’s most powerful man, then unknown-but-probable career criminal Sturgeon, then just for a f**king laugh we elected Boris.

“It’s been a cavalcade of imprisonments, resignations and botched elections ever since. Corbyn’s gone from Labour leader to wild-bearded desert outcast, the cross Northern Irish woman’s vanished and Theresa May’s returned happily to undeath.

“It would appear that during a brief but significant period we gave ‘putting lying twats in charge’ a go, with predictable results. We should avoid doing that again.”

Man unsure whether he's drinking in a pub or f**king crèche

A MAN is unable to tell if he is enjoying a pint in his favourite boozer or a rowdy nursery for parents and their newborn children.

Norman Steele was left confused by the presence of pub paraphernalia like beer taps and a fruit machine next to crèche shit like mums and dads cradling their incessantly shrieking spawn.

He said: “My senses don’t know what to think. It looks like the same old place where grumpy bastards come to drink their lives away, only there’s prams and colouring pads and tiny bawling humans everywhere. Maybe I’ve gone insane.

“If this was a pub then I should only be able to hear slurred chatter punctuated by the occasional rustling of crisp packets, yet I can distinctly make out the deafening cries of babies and the futile bargaining of their parents.

“On the other hand, a crèche should be filled with exciting toys and colourful furniture. Not a dart board and a floor soaked with American pale ale. The big telly with Sky Sports on it probably wouldn’t go amiss though.”

Mother of one Grace Wood-Morris said: “You’re better off going to a crèche if you want a quiet pint. Me and my friends and our many children are going to be here all day, and Christ knows we need a drink to get through it.”

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