LOOKING after someone’s house while they’re away on holiday? Refrain from doing these things which are bound to backfire.
Wank
Far too risky. You don’t know which devices in their home have cameras in them. Your hosts could be monitoring you from their holiday cottage, waiting to catch you in the act and hold you to ransom. And if you do succumb to your impulses, your PornHub searches will be recorded in their Wifi history forever. Go ahead if they have a teenage son, you can blame it on him.
Drink their wine
You’ve had a long hard day of sitting on someone else’s furniture and eating their food, so you deserve a break. Resist the urge to knock back the contents of their wine cellar though. All it takes is one particularly vintage bottle to be opened, and suddenly your act of generosity has left you thousands of pounds in the hole. You probably won’t be asked to house sit next year either.
Watch a horror film
There’s a time and a place to watch horror films. That place is not in someone else’s house. In the dark. When you’re alone. The Grudge isn’t even particularly scary, but once Sarah Michelle Gellar’s ineffable charm has worn off, you’ll be convinced there’s a pale-faced ghost child lurking in the attic. Stick on Lilo & Stitch instead. It’s on Disney+ and it still holds up really well.
Rifle through their drawers
What are you hoping to find here? Compromising financial details? A dildo? Sordid letters from a secret lover? Never mind being unethical, it’s mainly just pathetic. Anyway, your hosts keep all the juicy shit in the inconspicuous shoe box under their bed, so save yourself time and look in there instead. It’s wild.
Throw a house party
Not because it will spiral madly out of control and devolve into a destructive orgy that winds up on the local news. That’s never going to happen because you barely have any friends, and they’re all too busy living their exciting lives while you sit in a house alone. The resulting existential angst will be too much to bear, so get an early night instead.
