THE UK has agreed that if Wilko goes under then there will be nothing left worth living for on this pathetic, godforsaken island.
The budget homeware chain is the last bastion of hope and access to cheap crockery in the Britain, and if it collapses the country will slip into a new dark age from which it will never recover.
Regular customer Martin Bishop said: “Please don’t say Wilko might vanish from the high street. We lost Woolworths. Argos is moving online. It’s all we’ve got left.
“Take my house, take my car, heck, take the wife and kids. But please, leave me with an affordable place to buy pick ‘n’ mix and poor-quality garden furniture. Do you want me to get on my knees and beg? I’ll do it.”
Shopper Emma Bradford said: “What would be the point of getting out of bed in the morning knowing that Wilko isn’t there to brighten up my day with its inoffensive canvas prints? Besides heading off to step in front of a train, I can’t think of one.
“Sure, there are other stores selling laughably low thread count bedsheets like B&M and Poundland. But these would be unsatisfying substitutes to my one true love. My own, my precious, my Wilko.”
