subscribe
/ Sign Out

Southend, Grimsby and other areas that simply cannot be gentrified

GENTRIFICATION can seem, at times, inevitable and inescapable. An area is happily shit until Negroni-sipping twats in Foxtons minis turn up. But it will never happen here: 

Southend-on-Sea

Southend has resisted the twee, whimsical fate of other south coast towns by all its residents being ready to glass you in the face for nothing. Brave hipsters have tried in vain to raise rents by opening a craft beer specialist called Craftwerk, a reference which none have understood or noticed is spelled incorrectly. Reading a book in public doubles as assisted dying.

Grimsby

The name alone scares off budding artisanal bakers, and the locals only eat fish ’n’ chips as their patriotic Brexiter duty. Besides, it’s difficult to take cool seaside shots for Instagram when a seagull swoops down for your iPhone. This is a town even the Vikings described as ‘five terrible weeks wading through the mire’.

Middlesbrough

Combines the chemical pollution of China with the inhospitable weather of Siberia. The residents call themselves ‘Smoggies’ as a charming tribute to their toxic air. Trades off its connection with the locally-born Captain Cook, whose life was spent trying to get as far away from here as possible no matter what the conditions or who he had to kill.

Stoke-on-Trent

Proudly and passionately shite, gentrifiers wouldn’t know which of the Six Towns to start in but would be started on by locals wherever they tried. This black hole of economic failure would swallow your microbrewery without even the courtesy of a burp then shit on your shoes. Even Jonathan Gullis didn’t hang around after losing his seat, and he is the worst of twats.

Clacton-on-Sea

The risk of Nigel Farage in the vicinity – although, let’s be honest, not high – is enough to stop anyone who has ever acted out of kindness moving in. And there’s the philosophical question of whether house prices actually can rise in Clacton, given most accommodation is caravan-based so people can relocate upon spotting the first smoothie bar.

Luton

In 2022, the Herts Advertiser published an April Fool story claiming Luton Borough Council were acting to stop gentrification to preserve the town’s salt-of-the-earth character. It could never happen. This is a town most famous for what is acknowledged as Britain’s shittest airport. No self-respecting avocado toast smasher would be associated with that.

Interest in Japanese culture remains intriguing quirk in women and terrifying red flag in men

A FASCINATION with Japanese culture is alternative and interesting in women and a sign of an aberrant personality and unhealthy sexual interests in men. 

A survey of Japanophiles found that women who bought manga were well-adjusted individuals, while men learning Japanese were almost entirely social outcasts with extensive collections of deviant animated pornography.

At an Otaku World festival in London, attendee Grace Wood-Morris said: “I’m here because I’m intelligent, seek out the intriguing and different from other cultures and come away richer for it.

“However, if I meet a guy with even the slightest interest in anime, it 100 per cent means he’s a far-right extremist with a waifu pillow who stays up all night on 4chan harassing women from the games industry.”

35-year-old J-pop devotee Lucy Parry agreed: “I love various androgynous Japanese musicians who wear their hair in pink bunches, and that’s fine. However if a man likes them he’s a creep with an unhealthy interest in cartoon schoolgirls.

“Later on I’ll be screaming at a live performance by boys half my age, taking selfies with youngsters in various cartoon costumes and visiting the on-site maid café where I will pay a young woman dressed like an 18th-century child to serve me tea.”

Joshua Hudson, another attendee, remarked: “I’ve drunk Pocari Sweat, bought some rare Gundam, looked through racks of videogame music on vinyl and eaten some delicious onigiri. Nobody will talk to me.”

Next story ›