Why Sue Gray's departure proves it's over for Starmer and we've basically won, by all Tories

Exclusive by every senior member of the Conservative Party and their newspapers

THE dismissal of the prime minister’s chief of staff after just three months in the job makes it unignorable: Labour are over, the Tories have won and an election is a formality. 

There is no way the government can possibly recover from this. Nor will the electorate allow them to. It was Sue Gray they voted to put in Downing Street, not Starmer. 

How can they justify limping on for another few months before the inevitable general election while presiding over a government of chaos and disorder? Where nobody knows who’s in charge from one day to the next? 

Sue Gray, a vicious, biased excuse for a civil servant whose lies about Partygate unfairly ousted a prime minister, was the only integrity this sorry excuse for an administration had left. Now Starmer has betrayed this traitor what’s left? Someone nobody’s heard of? 

This cannot compare to the Cummings affair, where a private and decent man was pilloried for accidentally driving the length of the country during lockdown and again to Barnard Castle, whose reasonable excuses were instantly widely accepted. Not the same. 

Starmer was already on his last legs, his 165 majority already whittled down to a pathetic, unworkable 157, battered by riots he himself caused by not being Nigel Farage. Now Sue Gray has departed, no excuse is left. 

The Conservative party is limber, refreshed, ready to rule and will no doubt be elected in a landslide. Don’t worry about us not having a leader yet. We’ll sort that out after we get in and if we don’t like the first one we can always switch. 

'That new short hair looks great on you,' grins boyfriend through barely repressed sobs

A MAN has bravely told his girlfriend how great her new pixie crop looks while pinching his inner wrist hard to hold back the tears. 

After Sophie Rodiguez surprised boyfriend Oliver O’Connor with her bold new-look-new-me style, which chopped off her long, flowing locks for a short, layered crop, he manfully described it as ‘fresh’ and ‘fashionable’ rather than ‘f**king hearbreaking’.

O’Connor said: “She showed me it in the magazine. She said she thought it would really work on her. I never thought she’d actually f**king do it.

“What do hairdressers charge so much for if not to talk women out of self-harm like this? She’s there talking about how different it feels, clearly chasing reassurance, and I’m holding back tears at the loss of my beautiful mermaid Rapunzel.

“Can I call the salon? Do they keep the hair? Is there any way they can put it back on? I don’t know how long I can keep this up. I can feel my lip tremble.

“Apparently men only like long hair because it hearkens back to our evolutionary need to find a mate who displays visible good health. Nonsense. I like it because it’s shiny and tosses in the breeze.

“It’ll take 15 months to grow out. I think we need to take a break.”

Rodriguez said: “The only thing that’s stopping me crying is that Oliver likes it. I f**king hate it.”