WATER bills are to rise, because otherwise businesses failing by every metric would be unable to reward their shareholders. Here’s how that happened: 

1989: Thatcher’s government sells off regional water boards to create privatised water companies. These will be more efficient, because profit. Generous British taxpayers pay for a series of lavish TV adverts for privatisation without complaint.

1990s: The bosses of our new water companies award themselves enormous pay rises, bonuses and share options to become known as ‘fat cats’. Bravely, they do this despite their businesses’ poor financial performance.

2000s: In order to cash in on their share options, the fat cats have no option but to sell the water companies to foreign capital. To make the sale more attractive, they forbear costly and unimportant investment in infrastructure like pipes and reservoirs.

2010s: Cameron’s government, worried that regulation is stifling business innovation, gets rid of it. Grateful owners of water companies respond by ignoring the few regulations left.

2020s: The sewage flowing freely, water companies demand record rises to bills. They explain without such rises they cannot pay dividends to shareholders who will not then invest and they will therefore go bust and leave the country to pay their massive debts.

2024: Taxpayers continue to subsidise English water companies both directly and through bills. Water continues to fall from the sky in record amounts as if it were some sort of abundant national resource. No politician offers any suggestion of how to unf**k this.