DEPENDING on how badly your life is going, yesterday’s Budget will affect you differently. Here are the winners and losers of Rachel Reeves’ decision to tax and spend.
WINNER: Martin Bishop, 31, virgin who lives with his parents
Martin Bishop, an unemployed loser who lives in his childhood bedroom rent-free, struggles to see what all the Budget fuss is about. ‘The price of Warhammer figures remains unchanged, so my Jobseeker’s Allowance will go just as far as it always has,’ he said. ‘If anything I’m slightly better off because my mum has just bought me a new anorak.’
LOSER: Carolyn Ryan, 29, beauty salon owner
Carolyn Ryan’s business has been haemorrhaging money for years because there are six other beauty salons within 400 yards and she is useless at threading eyebrows. ‘It’s a miracle I’ve stayed open this long, to be honest,’ she said. ‘Now the chancellor’s decision to jack up National Insurance by 1.2 per cent is forcing me to close, but at least I can blame someone else for setting up a crap business in a clearly overcrowded marketplace.’
WINNER: Tom Booker, 32, never gets a round in
With the price of a pint in a pub tumbling by an entire penny, round skiver Tom Booker looks set to reap the benefits. ‘I already save thousands on alcohol every year by sneaking off to the bog when it’s my turn to get the beers in, but now I’ll be raking in at least an extra £1.13,’ he beamed. ‘I’ll invest half of that hefty sum into my private pension and blow the rest on a Twix.’
LOSER: Norman Steele, 53, tight-fisted bastard boss
‘The 6.7 per cent increase in minimum wage for my low-paid drones is going to eat into my high profit margins,’ said Steele. ‘And what for? To improve our roads, transport and healthcare? It’s not worth it. Looks like I’ll have to fire the lot and replace them with 18-year-olds and agency staff. I think I’ll get some full-time interns because they’re so desperate for a career you can pay them literally nothing. Travel costs? F**k off. Bloody entitled Generation Z.’
WINNER BUT WHINGING COW WHO THINKS SHE’S A LOSER: Helen Archer, 56, set to inherit £325,000.01
With her parents giving her one penny more than the minimum inheritance tax threshold, Helen Archer is under the illusion that she is one of the Budget’s biggest losers. ‘Great, now when my parents die I’m going to fall from being in the top one per cent to the top five per cent,’ she said. ‘That’s unless I can exploit the loopholes by marrying my dad, which I’m very prepared to do for money.’
