THE new monarch would like you to promise to be loyal to him, but there are other uniquely British things you’d much rather swear allegiance to. Like these:
Greggs
Yeah, the Royal Family is quintessentially British, but do you know what is even more so? A mush of pig arseholes stuffed into a tube of greasy pastry. Britain could cope without the monarchy, but it couldn’t cope without a steak bake and a coffee for less than four quid.
John Lewis
If your mum had to choose between King Charles and a shop where she could purchase some decent towels and a lovely pair of slacks, what would she go for? The answer is obvious. Charles offers her f**k all, whereas the prospect of a nice cup of tea and a scone at John Lewis will keep her happy for days.
Sir David Attenborough
The real King of Great Britain, David Attenborough, is beloved by literally everyone. We’d feel safe with him ruling over us and it would be delightful to hear the Christmas speech in his pleasant, warm voice, rather than having Charles’ strangled aristocratic tones ruin the pudding.
Bacon
Every single citizen of Britain loves bacon, even the vegetarians who are always banging on about it being the only meat they miss. Who wouldn’t pledge allegiance to four delicious rashers sandwiched between two fluffy slices of white bread? And then have an argument over whether brown or red sauce is better. That’s properly traditional.
Harry and Meghan
For no other reason than it would really get on the tits of all those obsequious, forelock-tugging Royalists who’ve been boring us shitless this week. It would be massively taking the piss, which is the institution Brits are most devoted to of all.
