WILD claims that pedigree dog breeding affects the animals health are nonsense, of course, but you may notice these minor quirks in your Kennel Club champion:
Spontaneous combustion
Shar Pei owners should be aware that the breed is high-maintenance: eye problems, skin infections and an unprompted tendency to burst into flames reaching 800ºC, capable of burning down a large family home in moments. They can also have feisty personalities.
Breathing through the arsehole
Selective breeding of short nosed breeds like Bulldogs and Pugs has led to difficulty breathing conventionally and a minor mutation causing them to breathe through their arseholes. Amplifies breathing to around 60db and comes with a strong, persistent odour and some spattering.
Teeth on its belly
Careful rubbing that belly! Some Pomeranians have a little blip which means their stomachs are entirely coated in rows of razor-sharp teeth. This went unnoticed for several decades as nobody got close enough to a Pomeranian to touch it without getting bitten by its regular teeth.
Demonic possession
The Cavalier King Charles spaniel is a wonderful family pet but also, because of inbreeding, susceptible to use as an earthly vessel by various Dukes of Hell. Watch out for signs like speaking Latin backwards, levitating and tearing out stranger’s hearts. Exorcists can solve the problem temporarily but are not covered by pet insurance.
Prophecy
Few people know this, but if you breed a French Bulldog with its own cousin enough times, you’ll produce puppies that can tell the future. Unfortunately, they are among the least intelligent dogs around and capable of being surprised by their own tails, so the ability is of little use.
Third eye
Nothing to do with any psychic ability. Miniature Poodles can develop a third, amber eye in the middle of their foreheads that will pop out whenever they get aroused and causes feelings of dread, despair, hopelessness and the urge to end it all for a radius of 500ft. The eye drops to treat this cost several thousand pounds per application.
