Five-year-olds go on utterly pathetic school trip

A CLASS of five-year-olds have been taken on a pitiful school trip that really was not worth the effort.

The children boarded a coach carrying their labelled lunch boxes and travelled a short distance to a local wool museum that left none of them full of excitement.

Father Tom Booker said: “The wool museum? Jesus. That’s the sort of place I take them on Saturdays when I need to be somewhere quiet because I’ve got a hangover.

“There’s some sort of loom and loads of bobbins. Christ knows why you’d be interested in those. Plus it’s only a mile away. I had to fill in a permission slip and send in cash in an envelope for that?

“My son Noah didn’t even mention he’d been there, and normally he bores us shitless with every minor thing that happens at school, like seeing a particularly large bird in the playground.

“Maybe we need to send him to a better school where they’d take him to see a plastic dinosaur.”

Teacher Miss Kramer said: “During the three-minute journey two children pissed themselves and one was sick everywhere. That’s why we can’t have more ambition.”

Are you a twat or do you just like polo?

We’ve all asked ourselves – am I a regular twat or just a fan of the ridiculously upper-class sport polo? Take our test and find out.

When you see a horse, what do you think?

A. I bet that four-legged wanker can’t go faster than my Audi.

B. I could jump on that thing’s back then hit a ball across a massive field with dreadful toffs called Raphael and Ozzie.

Do you know how to play polo?

A. No. But I do support Chelsea.

B. Of course I do. Would I be wearing these ridiculous jodhpurs and strange boots and carrying a silly mallet if I didn’t?

Have you seen Meghan Markle recently?

A. Yes, she was on the Daily Mail website while I was looking for sideboobs and racism.

B. Yah, she was at the polo just the other day. I’d boff that gorgeous filly.

Mostly As. You are a twat, but not one who plays polo. That’s something. Just don’t take up polo.

Mostly Bs. You love polo but are possibly not a twat in lots of other ways, such as having a direct debit with Amnesty International. But you probably don’t.