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Thank god all our life stress is over forever, say A-Level students

NAIVE young people across the UK are thankful they are now permanently free from stress because their A-Levels are over.

Optimistic 18-year-olds are unaware that university will bring crippling debts, social anxiety and career pressure, and that is just the beginning.

Bright-eyed 18-year-old Tom Logan said: “I’m totally relieved to have finished my A-Levels. Nothing’s ever going to be as stressful as remembering quotes by Polonius.

“I’m off to uni in September, so all I need to do now is chill out for a few years and get a really creative, well-paid job afterwards. It’s all plain sailing from now on.”

However Logan remains blissfully unaware that university accommodation will mean getting uncomfortably close to many extremely difficult people and a few who are genuinely scary.

He is also completely unprepared for the experience of listening to hundreds of dickheads’ accounts of their gap years and getting really depressed in a few years when he realises all the jobs are rubbish.

Meanwhile recent graduate Emma Bradford said: “I’m just so relieved finals are over. Now I can get on with finding a career that’s badly paid and unfulfilling.”

Brexit totally worth it if you really like fish, says Gove

THE Brexit fixation with taking control of our fish supplies is great news for people who cannot get enough fish, Michael Gove has explained.

The environment minister said the loss of companies like Airbus, 10-mile queues at Dover and a recession were a small price to pay for anyone who is partial to a nice bit of cod.

Gove said: “Once we’re free from the EU, we’ll be able to eat as much fish as we like. Egg and fish for breakfast, fish bolognaise for dinner – even a fish latte on the way to work.

”We’ll have so much fish we’ll probably change our currency from the pound to fish. Who needs those annoying plastic £10 notes when you can just pop a few haddock in your pocket?

“Of course, the collapse of the economy will mean a portion of fish and chips will cost £37 in real terms, but that’s just Brussels trying to punish us because those weirdoes prefer ‘frites’ and mayonnaise.

“It’s not about the money, it’s about remembering the millions of brave Britons who died in the cod wars with Iceland in the 1970s. It brings a tear to my eye just imagining it.”

Gove went on to describe chip shop customers who preferred a battered sausage as “the worst kind of traitors”.

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