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Chummy Northern bastard advert voiceover alienates everyone from any other region

THE majority of Britain has vowed never to buy a product from a company creating a false air of personability using the tried-and-tested friendly Northern voiceover.

Up-themselves Southerners, the resentful Welsh, grudge-bearing Scots and even those from different regions of the North have agreed the matey tone is irritating and deepens class divides.

Susan Traherne of Peterborough said: “If the brand wanted to make me feel warm towards the product, they should not assume I am a sheep farmer’s wife or a happy-go-lucky benefits claimant.

“I am from the right part of the country and proud of it. We can be in London in 45 minutes, for God’s sake. I do not want to be patronised by a gormless Mancunian who believes grinding poverty and endemic crime to be ‘a right laugh’.

“Perhaps they could hire a voiceover artist whose vowels are not gratingly flat. To appeal to those of us with money.”

Oliver O’Connor of Somerset agreed: “Why would I accept recommendations from a man who would confidently strike up conversation with a stranger at the bar of the Rovers Return while ordering a ‘pint’ of ‘mild’? My education was paid for.

“Bolton is not a location that should be selling products. It can be allowed to ask for a copper in its battered hat as I pass by. No copper will be given.”

Two women sharing bottle of Chardonnay discover they're right about everything

TWO friends who have just finished their first bottle of Chardonnay have discovered they both hold the correct views on every subject there is. 

Lucy Parry and Sophie Rodriguez met to catch up only to find they are in accordance on everything from workplace drama to the longevity of their friends’ relationships to the wisdom of ordering a second bottle.

Parry said: “Sometimes, you just need to engage in a mutually reinforcing agreement that you’re fully justified in all of your grievances, you know?

“Soph was completely on my side about retaliating to passive-aggressive work emails by flushing Leanne’s lunch down the toilet. In fact she said that given management’s failure to handle the issue it was a ‘brave, bold act akin to that of a resistance fighter in Vicky France’.

“Then when she told me about this guy who’d sent dick pics before the first date, I totally agreed with what an arsehole he was until she said they’d been together four months when I switched it up to ‘he’s definitely your type, knows what he wants’.

“We also had each others’ backs in disputes with hairdressers, binmen, HMRC, a local garage and the woman on the late shift at KFC on Milton Street in Nottingham. In each case we were both entirely correct and not afraid to tell each other so.

“The more Chardonnay you drink, the more right you become. Though it’s important to stop after the third bottle, or you become right individually rather than collectively and start pulling each other’s hair.”

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