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Bolton dad takes family to London to show them how much it costs

A FATHER from Lancashire has taken his family to London for the day so they can see the incredible prices. 

Joe Turner took his wife and daughters to the capital yesterday to marvel at sights that are the talk of the north, such as 12 quid ‘for a frigging cake’.

Lucy Turner, aged 13, said: “We went to all the attractions: the Tower of London, St Paul’s Cathedral and a West End show, all to stand outside and proclaim ‘How much?’

“We were all agog at what they charge for a pint. And those skyscrapers! There was one with a view of the Shard renting for £7,830 a month in the estate agent’s window. ‘Two year of that and we’d own our house,’ Dad said.

“It’s brilliant family bonding time. Whether we’re getting photos of Dad slack-jawed at the cost of a Pret croissant, Mum shaking her head at artisanal ice-cream or just milk in a Tesco Express, we’re all amazed.”

Joe said: “London was mental enough when I was a skint student in the 90s, but now? All these London Eyes and Tate Moderns and food markets where you’re shelling out a tenner for something called frittata? Mind-blowing.

He added: “And the people! You just don’t get rudeness like that north of Watford.”

Five problems that can be solved by five pints

LIFE is full of myriad problems, some bigger than others. Luckily these five can be completely solved by drinking five pints.

Stress

Feeling pressure at work? Are the tensions in your failing marriage becoming unbearable? Despite not being medically proven, five pints of ale, cider or even wine, if you’re hardcore, can temporarily eliminate the sensation of stress. The benefits are short-term though and your hangover will make everything seem ten times worse, but it’s a price worth paying for a couple of stress-free hours.

The burden of excess funds

Ouch. What’s the hot sensation from your wallet? It’s excess money burning a hole in your pocket. Quick, you’d better start splashing out on five pints before the weight of the notes drags your trousers down in front of the whole pub. If you really need to spend a fortune, buy an independent craft beer that costs shitloads for no apparent reason.

Feeling like a failure

Everyone feels like a failure now and then. Especially people with a life as shit as yours. Your career’s going nowhere, you haven’t achieved your dreams, and let’s not even get into your love life. Drinking five pints is an easy and fun goal to achieve, though. And by accomplishing it you can pretend it’s the start of turning your life around and not the beginning of an addiction.

Existential angst

Paralysed by a constant, nagging dread? Daren’t look at the news because everything’s so grim? Turn to the one thing in the world that’s guaranteed to take the edge off: five pints. By the time you’ve finished, the terrifying questions surrounding your existence will be replaced by more fun ones like ‘Should I jump over that bollard?’ and ‘Shall I have another pint?’ As with all drunken questions, the answer is ‘yes’.

Being sober

Bad things tend to happen when you’re sober. Things like divorces and root canals and going to work. It’s an overall troubling state, which is why people regularly try to escape from it by getting drunk. Five pints is the perfect amount to consume because it gets you comfortably pissed but won’t completely ruin your body come the next morning. So drink up.

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