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£200 advent calendars and other bollocks new Christmas traditions

CHRISTMAS doesn’t have to be awful, but bastards are always working to make it worse. These trends cross a line: 

£200 advent calendars

It used to be a cheap daily chocolate. Survivors of 1970s Christmases will remember when it was just a picture. But now advent calendars cost upwards of £200 and offer 24 different perfumes, cheeses or beauty products through the month as if you’re a jaded gout-ridden emperor. There are cheaper ways to begin the day with a dopamine rush, like cocaine.

Christmas Eve boxes

Opening presents on Christmas morning is at least as sacred an idea as all that nativity nonsense. Opening one present on Christmas Eve? Acceptable. Having a special box of the f**kers for the chronically impatient? No. Wait 12 hours.

Christmas light spectaculars

Not the traditional Christmas lights switch-on of your youth, but extravaganzas where you pay to enter an inescapable labyrinth of illuminated tackiness. You freeze your tits off trudging miles past unimpressive neon blurs, then shell out eight quid on an artisanally-toasted marshmallow.

Elf on the shelf

Ever wish you could spend a whole month of the year staging photoshoots at unsociable hours, like an exploited art student? Thanks to this high-maintenance American import that dream is f**king real. Your children know it’s fake and only play along to hurt you. The elf’s photoshoot is being dismembered in the garden on December 16th.

German Christmas markets

The food smells delicious, the wooden huts look delightful, you shuffle around and realise you’re trapped in a Yuletide Matrix where all the shitty craft stalls repeat every fourth one. There are only so many lebkuchen you can buy. There are no drinks other than mulled wine. You will never be free.

Eight phrases men use to describe ejaculation that are just lovely

THE male climax, an enduring obsession of men from adolescence to senescence, is described by them in such lyrical, poetic and respectful ways. Here are a few:

Going off

A beautiful phrase usually reserved for the point where meat passes from edibility, but also used in lovemaking. ‘We’re trying for a baby, so I’m going off up her again.’

Blowing one’s biscuits

Unfathomable that these captivating words aren’t employed in more seductions. ‘Can I tempt you with champagne on the balcony as a prelude to blowing my biscuits over you?’

Spaff

Famously used by classics scholar, prime minister and great lover Boris Johnson, who said wasted public money had been ‘spaffed up the wall’. If only he’d done it more himself.

Nutting

In English a headbutt, in American English the male climax. ‘She knew then, from the enraptured expression on the face she adored so much, that he had nutted.’

Shooting one’s wad

How marvellous it must feel to be the fortunate recipient of such a shot wad. How blessed to be shot with a wad. No wonder women love to talk to men about sex.

Spunk up

‘Reader, she married him. And on their wedding night so beguiled with Jane’s beauty was Mr Rochester that he spunked up almost before he had taken leave of his breeches.’

Throw a load

A versatile phrase that could be used while fly-tipping building waste in a lay-by or in an act of sexual congress where bodies and minds come together as one.

Jizz

Can it really be true love if he has yet to jizz? Is not the moment of jizzing the moment a bond eternal between a couple is sealed? But not if, immediately afterwards, he says ‘I’ve jizzed’?

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