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They only go as fast as a milk float: Seven things gammons firmly believe about EVs

CONSUMERS are rejecting electric cars for a variety of reasons, but it’s great news for right-wing blokes who’ve always hated these effeminate vehicles. Here Roy Hobbs explains why you shouldn’t buy one.

They’re boring, not iconic

EVs are chunky and boring, because they’re aimed at women and drippy Guardian readers. Can you imagine Steve McQueen trundling along in one in Bullitt instead of a Ford Mustang? He’d probably be sipping an avocado latte on his way to transgender surgery. God, these woke bastards have to ruin everything, don’t they?

They only go as fast as milk floats

The top speed of any EV is 5mph, maybe 15 if you floor it. I’m basing this on milk floats, which are an entirely different type of vehicle from my childhood in the 70s. I’m not allowing for advances in technology, but most of what gammons believe is outdated prejudices. That’s why I still find jokes about Italian tanks having one forward gear and five reverse gears hilarious.

They lower your testosterone levels 

Petrol cars are intrinsically masculine. They’ve got a big powerful engine throbbing away, which is similar to having a large penis, and you can satisfy your evolutionary need to dominate other males by overtaking them. So it stands to reason puny EVs with their quiet little nancy boy engines make you less manly. Sure, there isn’t any research proving this, but that’s because scientists are all busy with the global warming hoax.

The batteries explode without warning

At any moment the dilithium battery in an EV could go up like a blowtorch. What a horrible way to die, and what if there are kiddies on board? It just proves these environmentalists are a bunch of bloody psychopaths. If one tries to block the road in front of me I’m going to run them over and hope they get dragged along under the car for a few miles, screaming in agony.

You’ll get electrocuted if it’s wet

Remember when James Bond kills a baddie by knocking an electric heater into the bath, then says ‘shocking’? The same scientific principle applies to EVs, and if you drive through a deep puddle or rain gets inside you’ll be zapped by hundreds of volts of electricity. My son says this is nonsense, but they wouldn’t put something in Goldfinger without checking it was totally scientifically accurate.

There are no charging points

I looked this up on the internet to prove my point at tedious length to my wife, but there seem to be charging points at every petrol station near me. I’m not admitting I’m wrong, though. Cognitive dissonance isn’t a problem for us gammons, because we have the ability to believe contradictory things simultaneously, eg. the EU is the greatest threat Britain has ever faced, but it’s going to collapse at any second. 

You’ll be the butt of Sinclair C5 jokes

Haha, remember that wally Sir Clive Sinclair with his stupid little Sinclair C5 that was invisible to anyone driving anything larger than a child’s tricycle? What? You don’t remember a failed invention from 39 years ago? Strange. Anyway, if I bought an EV my gammon mates would be making Sinclair C5 jokes for months, if not years, to come, way beyond the point where it was funny and had just become tedious and annoying. I know I would.

'Ye Olde Fighting Cocks' is cruel and ageist: Bad pub names according to PETA

PETA have claimed a pub called ‘The Sly Old Fox’ is offensive to foxes. Which is a great way to stop people taking you seriously and presumably means these names are unacceptable too…

Ye Olde Fighting Cocks, St. Albans

Not only does this promote the cruel practice of cock fighting, it suggests that the cocks are old, which is ageist and therefore discriminatory. Have they considered that older cocks might be good at fighting, due to their wisdom and experience? Or that old cocks can be just as beautiful as young ones? It worked with human models on that Dove soap advert, so there’s no reason there can’t be sexy older chickens.

The Dirty Duck, Stratford-Upon-Avon

Ducks are incredibly clean creatures because they spend the majority of their time in water, so suggesting they are dirty is incredibly offensive. No, at PETA we are not interested in the fact that this pub name is actually a humorous play on the original name ‘The Black Swan’. We have no time for comedy, just earnest weirdness that turns people right off us.

The Jolly Gardeners, Putney

Extremely patronising about a vital working-class occupation. Just because they’re gardeners, it doesn’t mean they’re jolly. In fact they’re probably miserable because they work for a rich landowner who has appropriated their land through enclosure and now they earn a pittance. What do you mean, it’s just a silly pub name? How dare you minimise the struggle of the proletariat?

John the Unicorn, Peckham

Firstly, unicorns don’t exist, so someone is being cruel to a horse by sticking a twirly horn on it. And secondly, anthropomorphising animals by giving them humans names is barbaric. Especially a boring name like John. At PETA we prefer upper-class names like Orlando. Change it to ‘Orlando the Horse Wearing Fancy Dress Against His Will’, and we’ll forgive you.

The Lad in the Lane, Erdington

Why is there a lad in the lane? Where are his parents? Why are you all getting drunk when a child safeguarding issue is taking place in front of you? There has probably been a dangerous TikTok trend featuring lads in lanes. Social media should be banned, and any parents who give their children a smartphone reported to the police. Are we taking this ridiculously seriously when there are more important things going on in the world? Honestly, how dare you? 

The Three-Legged Mare, York

Is it really necessary to point out that this particular mare only has three legs? It seems a bit ableist, and no doubt the mare has other distinguishing features beyond only having three legs. For example, perhaps she is good at sudoku or has a particularly lustrous mane. Look, you can keep saying we’re undermining our cause by making a fuss about shit like this, but we won’t listen.

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