YOUR ex-partner who has not contacted you in years now has a life worth envying so would love to meet you for a coffee. 

After years of not answering texts, your ex has bought a flat, been promoted at work and is in a long-term relationship with an objectively hot person so thinks it would be great to catch up.

Their text, appearing directly below a previous message from 2020 asking you never to contact them again, said: “Hey, how’s it going? Fancy meeting and listening to me boast while I show off my trim new figure?

“We can reminisce about old times, where I’ll subtly airbrush my previous failings to make myself feel better. I know a cute little independent cafe that’s perfect for sharing that I’m finally on the property ladder!

“Let’s make an afternoon of it. I’ve got so many wild hookups to allude to, and it’ll take a while to show you dozens of pictures of me looking great in the Maldives with my new partner who earns six figures.

“I might not have time to hear about how you’re doing though. Soz.”

After you foolishly agreed, your ex said: “Great, it’s a date! Well, not a date, but you know. The closest you’ve had for a while.”