PRESIDENT Trump has vowed to impose 25 per cent tariffs on the US’s closest neighbours and biggest trading partners. How will this ruin his voters’ lives?
By raising gas prices
Americans are so obsessed with gas prices – meaning petrol, which is a liquid not a f**king gas but whatever – that two cents on a gallon is a seismic event. ‘It costs an extra six dollars to drive 180 miles for cheesecake? Get my assault rifle, honey.’ An extra 25 per cent on oil from Canada? Learning that Canada is useful to them? They cannot comprehend.
By raising all other prices
The US also imports food, cars, and electronic goods, as well as exporting to countries that will impose retaliatory tariffs. Which means the price of everything will increase, immediately after an election largely thought to have been won because eggs cost more. An adverse reaction is to be expected.
By not stopping immigration
The ostensible reason for tariffs is to call a halt to illegal immigration. However, Mexico does not, by definition, control those sneaking across the US border. They are not an official policy. And illegal immigration from Canada has never been an issue. The northern states of the US are not plagued with an influx of extremely polite Leonard Cohen fans.
By not stopping the drug trade
Americans love drugs. They love to be high on them. Mexico supplies the bulk of those drugs, to the extent that it is a narco-state run by cocaine cartels. They own the police and border guards and give $100m bribes to presidents. They do not pay tariffs. Destroying other industries only makes them richer. Good news for Americans, who love drugs.
By not affecting Trump’s support even slightly
Trump voters know their hero, a strong, dynamic colossus trapped in the body of an effete 78-year-old with a bronzer habit, cannot be wrong. Any damage caused by cretinous policies, therefore, cannot be his fault. Their material circumstances worsening will be blamed on their enemies: Mexico, Canada and liberals. A three-front war will soon commence.
