GETTING it on with a hot stranger only to be faced with their dead grandma staring back at you? Here are some more tats guaranteed to put you off your stroke.

Their ex’s name

It’s not about jealousy, it’s that it proves they’re the kind of absolute idiot who thinks permanently inscribing someone else’s name on their body is a good idea. And you’re having sex with them. How humiliating.

Hitler

This one is both a f**king idiot and a fascist. Not a winning combination.

A portrait of granny

Want to see granny smiling beatifically back at you when you strip someone’s shirt off? No, not even in badly-rendered tattoo form.

Hello Kitty

Or any other children’s character. They’re an infantilised simpleton, which is never sexy.

Bad spelling

Met a woman with ‘NO REGERTS’ tattooed across her lower back? You’ve got regerts now. Big time.

Anything in a language they don’t speak

He thinks it says ‘Your mind is your most powerful weapon’. You can’t read Cantonese either but you’ve looked at enough Chinese menus to recognise it’s the symbols for prawn toast.

St George’s Cross

He’s either obsessed with football or a bit of a racist. Or really, really into the Crusades. None of which make him a keeper.

Macho animals

Nothing says ‘no imagination’ like an eagle, tiger, wolf or snake. You’d be more impressed if they had something original like an axolotl, but it’s still not something you want to be looking at when you’re trying to have an orgasm.

Tattooed genitals

They hate themselves but mask it with humour. Go home immediately.

A DIY job

This person also hates themselves but doesn’t try to hide it. Go home even quicker.

Cannabis leaf

Weed is their whole personality and they will be mind-numbingly tedious once the sex is out of the way.

Harry Potter-themed

This person hasn’t even got a personality, just an obsession with a poorly-written children’s book series which they should have got over years ago.

ACAB

Stands for ‘All Coppers Are Bastards’ and a popular one to get while in prison. Might want to ask what they’ve been up to for the previous ten years.

An obvious cover-up

Why have they got a huge black square on their arm? Is it covering up a giant swastika? You’ll never know but you’ll always wonder.

Tribal tattoo

When asked about it they say it’s a symbol of belonging in the Māori Tākitimu tribe. Which is weird because they were born in Swindon.

Huge back tattoo of a famous person

Have they got a massive picture of Pat Butcher inscribed onto their back? They are impulsive, reckless and possibly insane.

‘Daddy’s girl’

Deep-seated, terrifying issues. Run for your life.