BOOKING a holiday was easy and the flight was painless, but now your dysfunctional relationship is about to be tested to the limit by spending time together. Here’s how to avoid disaster.
Have a conversation
If you don’t talk much these days, a holiday provides new topics so you can at least do an impression of a happy, talkative couple. Try: what time the hotel stops serving breakfast, the date of the Moorish occupation of the Iberian Peninsula, how the f**k the hotel room lights work. Admittedly they’re all quite dull, but on the upside when you finally work out how to turn the main light off but leave the bedside lamps on you’ll feel like f**king Oppenheimer.
Eat out a lot
Food really helps with tense silences. For example, in the Algarve they like grilled sardines, which are bigger than ours, so that’s a couple of minutes filled discussing relative fish sizes, plus there’s actually eating them and going ‘Mmm’. However the best food for unhappy couples is tapas, or ‘petiscos’ in Portugal. Every dish is a readymade conversation – ‘Look, a deep-fried ball of mashed potato!’ – even if it’s not exactly scintillating. Make sure to order one of everything.
Enjoy not having sex in a different location
If your sex life is more non-existent than it used to be, holidays are perfect for avoiding intimacy. Airports are genuinely knackering, lugging stuff to the beach is tiring, and even sitting on a coach mysteriously drains your life force, so at least being too tired for sex will be true for once.
Don’t visit artisanal producers
Your relationship is already spark-free, so the last thing you want is to add the tedium of watching someone make cheese. Also being surrounded by boring older couples offers a chilling vision of your future, and it would frankly be understandable if your partner decides to bale before she develops an interest in goat’s cheese.
Bond over being horrible about things
There may not be a lot of joy in your relationship, but you can find common ground in hating things abroad. Arsehole local taxi drivers, the Portuguese aversion to decent roads and weirdly dressed German tourists are all good. You might even find your partner’s toxic views about ‘those f**king chav scum by the pool’ so relatable you feel quite fond and have sex.
Go sightseeing separately
This projects a wonderful image of your relationship being so solid you’ve no problem with your partner toddling off on their own, and are looking forward to hearing all the details later. The truth is sightseeing offers limitless potential for arguments, and there’s no way your relationship can survive another row over where to go or which of you can’t follow a f**king GPS.
Always agree to go to the beach
If one partner, often female, likes beach holidays they’re usually so determined to have one they’d happily trek the length of Mordor to find a spot for their towel. If you’re more of an ‘activities’ person, stop being so f**king stupid and do what you’re told. Just make sure you have a good supply of podcasts. Tell yourself lots of people would probably like to go on holiday with Emily Maitlis and Lewis Goodall.
Give up on the whole ‘holiday’ concept
Ultimately it may be too risky to subject your relationship to the stresses of a holiday. Ditch the whole concept and just do something else. Your partner can go to the cinema and you’ve got your laptop so you can catch up on your work emails. If friends remark on you seeming to do entirely separate things while on holibobs, say you’re just two fiercely independent people. That’s why you love each other so much.
