Loving text from dad obviously a scam

A WARM, loving message from a father is clearly a scam designed to trick his son out of money.

Steve Malley, 26, easily saw through an unprompted text message full of praise and sincerity, realising it was obviously just an attempt to con him out of thousands of pounds.

Malley said: “Whoever’s impersonating my dad almost got me by opening with a blunt ‘hi’, but when he started going on about how proud he’s always been of me I knew something was up.

“My dad only texts me to wish me a curt happy birthday or to ask if there’s anywhere to park near my flat, so to suddenly start gushing about how I’ve grown into a fine young man was deeply odd. The wildly out-of-character kiss at the end confirmed my suspicions.

“On the surface it might look like my dad’s developed some basic emotional intelligence, but I reckon someone’s stolen his phone and is trying to con his contacts or he’s been hacked by the Kremlin. That’s far more likely.

“Also, if my dad really wanted some money, he’d do the normal thing of guilt-tripping me into it by reminding me how expensive I was to raise.”

Fraud expert Nikki Hollis said: “If you get an even slightly sincere text from someone claiming to be your dad, it’s fake. Delete it immediately and block the number. But you probably know that already.”

Mate refuses to buy round unless it's in Wetherspoons

A MAN is not tight or anything, he just thinks it is daft to spend a fiver on a pint.

Martin Bishop strongly believes that the cost of a round of drinks becomes more manageable if it is purchased in a joyless, dimly-lit boozer with less atmosphere than the moon, ie. Spoons. 

Friend Tom Logan said: “Martin is always desperate to go to Wetherspoons where it’s a bit cheaper. Last time he actually said, ‘Did you know that no two Spoons have the same carpet pattern? Pretty cool, huh?’

Me, Paul and Graham wanted to go to The Green Man, so we forced Martin to go there but then he wouldn’t shut about finding somewhere with a table. Obviously he meant Spoons. 

“Then he went to the toilet to avoid buying a round and kept saying how noisy it was, whereas Wetherspoons doesn’t play music. Eventually he wore us down and we went to that Spoons by the bus depot where the addled old alcoholics go.”

However, once in the dank, sticky surroundings of a former cinema, Bishop became a different man. 

Logan said: “The change in Martin was remarkable. He was happily getting rounds in once the beers were about 20 per cent cheaper. It’s just a shame I f**king hate Ruddles, because he refused to buy anything else.”

Bishop said: “I’m not someone who never gets a round in. I just refuse to be ripped off. By the way, did you know there’s been a lot of misinformation about how bad Brexit has been? The real problem with this country is we need to stop the bloody boats.”