REMEMBER when every dodgy bastard in the UK was screeching about being cancelled? Considering they’ve been ruthlessly silenced by the forces of woke, these individuals are still strangely vocal.
Jeremy Clarkson
Clarkson was supposedly cancelled for ‘dreaming’ of a day when a naked Meghan Markle was pelted with ‘lumps of excrement’. A Game of Thrones reference, obviously, but he still sat there and thought: ‘Shit. On her face. And tits. Yes. That sounds good. Oh yes.’ So, two years later, how’s that cancellation going? Amazon didn’t dump him and Clarkson’s Farm is back again in 2025, and naturally The Sunday Times still employs him. Its arsehole readers are probably hoping for a follow-up piece where Meghan falls into a vat of piss. Naked, obviously.
Phillip Schofield
Whether Schofield deserved to lose his job over a legal if questionable sexual relationship is a moot point, but it’s karma for doing the awful ‘Spin to Win’ game on This Morning where a poor person could win the chance to pay their electricity bill. Anyway, it’s hard to describe Schofield as genuinely ‘cancelled’ when he’s immediately given his own Cast Away-style TV show to discuss being cancelled.
David Starkey
Clearly political correctness has gone mad when you can’t say: ‘Slavery was not genocide otherwise there wouldn’t be so many damn blacks in Africa or Britain. An awful lot of them survived.’ Unsurprisingly Starkey’s TV career atrophied after this, but he wasn’t totally cancelled. He still draws a crowd at Tory fringe events and he’s always welcome on GB News. Most recently triple-A twat Robert Jenrick courted racist party members by saying Starkey should be given a dukedom. How the mighty are fallen, going from acclaimed TV historian to Jenrick’s second choice because Enoch Powell isn’t available.
Nigel Farage
Nigel’s most concrete claim to being cancelled was when his bank Coutts ditched him. According to a leaked internal briefing, they’d decided he was a ‘disingenuous grifter’ with ‘xenophobic, chauvinistic and racist views’ who might damage their reputation. Put like this it’s less ‘being cancelled’ and more ‘entirely understandably being told to f**k off’. Did he though? Nah, he became an MP. The only reason we’ve not heard from him lately is because he’s busy rimming Trump and almost certainly doing Cameo videos. When a true grifter identifies a lucrative scam he can’t stop going back to it, like John Cusack’s fateful decision in The Grifters.
Russell Brand
Brand had various comedy gigs pulled after the rape allegations. But since then we’ve been given chapter and verse on him becoming a Christian, which he drones on about with the same dense, not-entirely-convincing fervour as when he discovered radical politics. Plus there’s his conspiracy bullshit and, most recently, his magic wifi amulet grift. The only reason we’re not hearing more from him is that sex crimes are a line in the sand for the media, or the Guardian would be running witless think-pieces such as ‘I rediscovered traditional spirituality like Russell Brand’.
Tommy Robinson
Contrary to popular belief, Tommy has not been cancelled, he’s gone to prison. For the specific but easily-avoidable offence of contempt of court. Still, it’s an easy enough mistake to make if you’re one of Tommy’s supporters and it’s not your turn to have a go on the brain cell.
Laurence Fox
Possibly the worst of the ‘I’ve been cancelled’ brigade because he won’t shut up about it, and it’s patently obvious he can keep saying whatever stupid thing pops into his head as long as he can afford the libel damages. The one time he did get no-platformed – for his moronic comments about not wanting to sleep with journalist Ava Evans – the organisation curtailing his free speech was his own employer, GB News. In a way you’ve got to admire someone who’s such a massive twat they get cancelled by the most anti-woke media outlet in the UK.
