HARRIS and Trump face off tonight for a televised debate. Demanding answers to the following questions could be useful: 

‘Why are your eyes white?’ 

The whole world knows why you’re orange. Everyone’s worked with a woman that colour. But why the white eyes so you look like a negative panda? It can’t be necessary, Claudia Winkleman doesn’t have them. Can you not get someone to colour them in with a pen?

‘Do you actually think you won?’ 

Cards on the table, Donny: do you really think you won? Have you convinced yourself? Have you insisted so long and hard that you were cheated that you believe it? Or do you know, deep down in your soul where your father still calls you useless, that you lost?

‘Why do you even want this?’ 

We’ve seen you be president. You had no interest in being president. You only wanted everyone in the world to respect you and they didn’t. All it did was get you in legal trouble. Wouldn’t you prefer a nice golf course instead?

‘What’s with your hair?’ 

Sorry to pivot back to your physical appearance, but explain it. Is it all one Rapunzel-length lock? Or is it long all the way around and whipped into shape by a team of crack stylists? Can it move independently? Does it devour mice?

‘Have you got any idea what you just said?’ 

Nothing you say makes sense, or is on its way to making sense, or has a point. Do you know? When you’re yarping on about the late, great Hannibal Lecter or shark electrocution, are you inside screaming ‘that’s not what meant to say’? Or are you oblivious?

‘Okay, I guess I’ll ask about a policy. What are your plans for AI?’ 

To be better than it. People have said you’re smarter than AI, many of them professors. And you’re going to build the wall, and turn around this failing country and make America great again. Uh-huh. You don’t know what AI is, do you.

‘If you lose, will you run again?’ 

Obviously you can’t lose, if you lose the election was rigged, you’ll issue some rousing but non-actionable calls to your supporters that will probably get a couple of them killed. But will you carry on? Will you run again in 2028? Will this ever f**king end?