By Ryan Whittaker, who just wanted to save the planet
A YEAR ago, my Tesla Model 3 was cool. I admit I gloated. Now I am driving around in a Reichsmobile, but these avoidance tactics mean it doesn’t define me politically:
I’ve had it resprayed
The Pearl White favoured by Elon now seems a bit political. So I’ve gone for a full rainbow respray, supporting the LGBTQ community by spreading joy and the jazz-hands of harmony to the world. Other topical pimp-ups: yellow and blue like the Ukraine flag or a utilitarian DEI black.
Installed a non-authoritarian satnav voice
Guidance need not be barked. New voice software lets Noam Chomsky guide me around ring-roads, Tony Benn remind me to keep left unless overtaking, and the Reverend Martin Luther King Jr to inform me everyone gets to their promised land if I allow others into my lane.
I’ve relocated
Is your car still a white supremacist where there’s no-one around to hear it? No, which is why I’ve moved to the coast by Cape Wrath. Here, it can park staring out into the sea spouting its isolationistic rhetoric, honking its horn and flashing its headlights at distant little boats, just like Nigel.
I play loud left-leaning music
My car needs to be re-educated, and I’ve got the men for the job. So it’s Gang of Four, Black Flag, The Clash and any soul songs absurdly optimistic about melting pots and living together. Blasting the early works of Chumbawamba at traffic lights. Mouthing ‘I’m not a Nazi’ at pedestrians.
I’ve reasoned with it
It’s made me join X or it wouldn’t start the ignition so we have little discussions on there for eight or 12 hours, late into the night. I’ve explained that Tommy Robinson isn’t a political prisoner, Zelensky isn’t a dictator running a war-sized grift, and the Woke Mind Virus is stolen from a book called Snow Crash. No progress yet, but early days!
I’ve given the car a nice lefty name
Via a personalised number plate, my Tesla is now called L18 3RAL. I did catch it ordering a Kanye West swastika T-shirt online – they’re internet-connected at all times, such a marvellous car except for the delusions – and told it off. I think we’ll soon be up to rejoining society. Unless Elon’s done anything even worse in the last 24 hours.