SHARING interminable and exaggerated anecdotes about drug experiences is to be made a criminal offence, it has emerged. 

The new government is to criminalise all class A and B stories, whether middle-class ayahuasca retreats or Glaswegian coke nights, with penalties ranging from fines to community service.

Martin Bishop, director of anti-drug story lobbyists Just Shut Up, said: “We’ve all suffered them: the posh girl at uni taking you through every detail of her whitey, the friend’s Twitterstorm about her Glastonbury acid experience.

“These modern myths are inflicted on the world and can last up to six hours, depending on the number of dramatic pauses. They burgle your brain, steal your time and should be punishable with the lash.

“Prison will only give them more anecdotes. 200 hours slaving in a community garden will make this scum think twice before launching into a lengthy story about swallowing a ball of hashish on a Nepalese bus.”

Jules Cook, the curator of Britain’s largest collection of original rave tales, said: “This is just another example of the fascist state oppressing the modern-day shaman.

“Anyway, as I was saying, I’m in Lisbon with Pezz and Mezz and we’d done the mushrooms but thought they weren’t working so decided to build the biggest bong in the world. Where are you going?”