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Teenager discovers random, arbitrary punishment from universe is actually a job

A TEENAGER in her first job was shocked to be remunerated for her efforts, having assumed it was part of a grand scheme to make her life miserable. 

Hannah Tomlinson donned her Tesco uniform and slaved through five-hour shifts under the presumption it was, like A-levels and parental phone bans, just an elaborate form of persecution designed to make her suffer for no reason.

The 18-year-old said: “Everything in my world, from my idiot parents to my shithead mates blasting me on Snapchat, is created to hurt me. Why would this be different?

“I turned up, mopped floors, and restocked Pot Noodles thinking this was the same, and the uniform was a nice touch. But it turns out the company that’s been keeping me prisoner every weekend for the last month pays me money?

“I’ve already got enough to replace my broken phone screen and I get the same next month so I can afford to break it again. I thought evil forces had conspired against me to force me to serve this gruelling sentence. Now it might be alright.”

Mother Lindsey said: “What Hannah reported as a gross miscarriage of justice which could only be dealt to her, the most unfortunate person alive, is in reality a decent job.

“I can’t wait to see the expression on her face when I ask her to pay rent.”

2024: how does it compare to the shite British summers of the past?

LOW, grey skies and constant pissing rain, but can 2024 really compare to the f**king awful summers of England’s drenched past? We compare: 

2024, the summer of suffering

Morale-boosting events like England in the Euros final and Liz Truss losing her seat have barely raised a glimmer of cheer against a background of cold, damp weather and jeans taking four days to dry. Alcohol abuse is no longer proving effective. To add insult to injury, Glastonbury was dry.

2007, the summer of Umbrella

The wettest summer since records began caused flooding across the country, and who was number one throughout? Some chick from Barbados dancing around singing about umbrellas. No doubt Rihanna had to have the concept explained to her beforehand.

1988, the Second Summer of Love

So named because enterprising Britain went on holiday to Ibiza and came back with a handful of pills that, incredibly, made you not give a shit about it pissing down. An E and house music in a disused warehouse with rain hammering on the roof and you were happy. Thatcher’s government immediately moved to stamp out this unlicensed joy.

1960, the summer of ‘bollocks to this’ 

A winter of rain and a deluge in summer acted like a bucket of cold water to post-war Britain’s face. The Beatles formed, Lady Chatterley’s Lover was allowed to keep the dirty bits and the whole country decided there must be more to life than catching drips in a bucket in your slum. All thanks to shitty weather.

1936, the summer of abdication

Constant horizontal rain covered the death of George V, the ascension of Edward VIII, his decision to marry a hot American divorcee and his subsequent abdication. Meanwhile, over in Europe, Hitler. Did miserable weather conditions delay Britain re-arming and cost millions of lives? Yes. Who can be bothered to start a war in thick drizzle?

1912, the summer of misery

Britain began the year with Captain Scott being beaten to the North Pole and ended it discovering his body. In between the Titanic sank, the monster of the Conservative and Unionist Party was formed, and it rained more than it has ever rained since. Our national character was formed here, and it is unfailingly morose.

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